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How to Start Drama with Your Conservative Family Over Thanksgiving

The holiday season is upon us and many UT students will soon be heading home for the first time in months. Going to college in Austin has most likely changed how you view the world, maybe you’re a vegan now, maybe you support an issue that you had no idea existed before, like voting rights for trees. The point is, your conservative family is in for a big surprise when you get home. As a UT student you probably have a need to be right about things and you’re no doubt eager for some heated arguments with your family. So, slip on your Planned Parenthood shirts and get ready to start drama over Thanksgiving with one of these 5 strategies.

5.) Even if you celebrate Christmas, just tell everyone “Happy Holidays”:
For some reason, this is a very touchy subject. If you have family members who have boycotted Starbucks for not a being a devote Christian company and refusing to have “Merry Christmas” on their cups, a truly blasphemous crime, then this is guaranteed to stir-up some mild drama. Roll up to Thanksgiving dinner with a religion-free cup of Pumpkin Spice Latte and let offense be taken. When people begin to prematurely get into the Christmas spirit after dessert, raise your cup to them and respond with “Happy Holidays.”

4.) Openly protest Thanksgiving:
Everyone tells you that Thanksgiving is for coming together and celebrating family despite your differences. But you, the woke college student, refuse to ignore history. Bring a plate of Mexican or Italian food, or anything that’s not “American” and try your best to guilt-trip your family. Ask your aunt Carol why she’s proudly baking Pecan Pie to celebrate the crimes of European invaders, and then ask the host family how they plan to honor the Indigenous people who were wronged. Really, just be that person.

3.) Incorporate Trump’s tweets into the conversation:
It’s best if you avoid actual politics over dinner, you don’t want to be shot. However, mocking the intelligence of Trump will offend someone in your family. They know he’s not the most articulate man, but they’ll defend his Ivy League words until the end. Their blind loyalty won’t extend to you, though, so when you sound like a 5-year-old, they’ll sit there quietly fuming. Study some of Trump’s more famous tweets before Thanksgiving and you’ll have a dictionary-worth of new words to choose from.

2.) Bring a gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, happiness free dessert:
Dessert is crucial to a good Thanksgiving meal, so offer to oversee the task. Show off your knowledge of healthy living by making an assortment of super healthy desserts. Assuming no one in your family is diabetic, lactose-intolerant, or has a gluten allergy, this will really ruin everyone’s night. By serving your family a flavorless slice of whatever you managed to make, you’ll piss everyone off, conservatives and liberals alike.

1.) Ruin football:
Football is a sacred part of Thanksgiving, and you’ll no doubt have an uncle who’ll be tuning in to watch the Washington Redskins game. Football fans are typically easy to get riled up, and your Redskins super fan uncle will be even easier. Stand next to the flat screen the entire game with various signs calling for a change of the team’s name, send a petition around the room for people to sign, and soon he’ll be red-faced and angrily defending the name while struggling not to sound too racist. Alternatively, if your uncle is a Cowboys fan, just sit next to him, laugh, and tell him how this is the best comedy you’ve seen all year.

Hopefully one of these 5 ways will help you cause drama during Thanksgiving. At the end of the day, don’t even bother being the mature one and keeping your views to yourself because you’ll be miserable. As a UT student, you’re sure to disappoint your conservative family with your liberal nonsense anyway, so why not make it fun for yourself?

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