AUSTIN– As senior journalism major Drake D’Grassi stood in the aisle of the 670 Cap Metro bus on its way to UT, he realized that his bus was, in fact, only 45 minutes late this time, leaving him overjoyed and astonished.
“Usually, I have to wait at this stop for a much longer period of time, and it really stresses me out not knowing if I’ll get to class on time,” reflected D’Grassi, whose shirt was drenched in an immense amount of sweat after standing outside in the humid Austin weather for nearly the entirety of an NCIS episode.
This one anomaly comes in light of many criticisms that UT’s usage of the Cap Metro buses has been largely unreliable and caused countless students to send frantic emails to professors that they’re going to miss half of class yet again.
“I guess I could wake up earlier and just remove any stress related to getting to class, but that would mean I have to go to bed earlier, and that’s an absolute no-go,” announced D’Grassi, frantically looking for a phone charger after wasting his battery scrolling through Twitter at the bus stop. “If going to bed early means that I can’t spend an extra hour watching Black Mirror on Netflix, then I’d rather just miss class.”
After receiving a multitude of complaints against his employees, Cap Metro president, W.B. Mullocks, appeared at a press conference to address public concerns.
“Our mission here at Cap Metro is to provide the most passable experience you could imagine from a public transport system,” remarked Mullocks. “That’s why we always strive to hire only former Uber drivers who averaged a rating between 2 and 3.5 stars.”
“Since I don’t want to spend $600,000 on a campus parking pass, I rely on the bus system to get me to class,” stated D’Grassi, pausing to switch seats after noticing a weird-ass green substance on the ground. “Without the bus, I may be left with no other option than to become one of those nerds that bikes to school.”
At press time, D’Grassi needed to be rushed to the hospital after succumbing to the subfreezing temperatures of his bus. Unfortunately, the Cap Metro ambulance scheduled to pick him up arrived 30 minutes later than expected, and D’Grassi’s fingers turned black before even making it to the hospital.