On the 40 Acres, you often see student athletes hoverboard around to class. Have you ever stopped to ask, “Why?” Considering their tremendous athletic ability, it would only make sense for them to be able to walk around. What if the world isn’t exactly all that we thought it is…here are the top ten conspiracy theories about why student athletes hoverboard around campus.
10.) They do not have feet:
Easy, simple, and logical. How could you ever possibly know that student athletes have feet? Have you licked one of their feet? Physically felt it in your hand? The feet that we see on the field or court aren’t feet, but rather robotic feet made by Cockrell Students. If this conspiracy rings true, then one thing is for sure: the Horns’ offense need some better feet.
9.)They are self conscious about walking:
The Horns recruit some of the best in the nation with the spotlight always on them coming out of high school. They might walk too slow, or walk on their tippy toes too high. Appearance is everything when it comes to the spotlight.
8.) They’re actually not humans:
The basketball game on Saturday against OU proved this theory. How can Mo Bamba and a skinny lifeguard at Greg majoring in History be of the same species? They obviously can’t be. Watch Space Jam to find out more, but just insert Shaka Smart in for Michael Jordan.
7.) Anti-chafing mechanism:
Imagine the daily risk of chafing in the life of student athlete. It’s smart and rash-proof. The key is to position thighs in such a way that spread apart any risk of friction, but still stay on the hoverboard. The UT Media Team should release a video soon to be played at orientation with an inspiring message from Greg Fenves.
6.) Athletic Club Boosters get pissed if their shoes get dirty:
According to several sources, donors to the athletic program care about one thing and one thing only- the whiteness of one’s shoes. To skip around any conflicts with donors, student athletes could possibly be using this to please the donors.
5.) To avoid the drug cartel:
There is not much of a correlation between the two to the direct human eye, but let it be known that the drug cartel always works below the eye line, working in ways that Americans can not understand. How are student athletes to avoid conflict amidst the spotlight? Hoverboards. Watch Narcos to understand more.
4.) They keep Oreos stored in pants legs for carbo-loading purposes:
The most crucial part about fitness is loading up on carbs. What better way to always have an endless supply of Oreos than by using pants only for storage? Genius idea.
3.) To avoid Speedway tablers:
They might be onto something there. Who would possibly rather get bombarded with flyers from Phi Kap Epsilon Omega than ball out on a hoverboard? The answer is nobody. Student Athletes are a lot smarter than everyone gives them credit for.
2.) To indicate they are student athletes:
How else would someone know that they are in the presence of someone with a strong, athletic Instagram game? They don’t have specialized backpacks, or shoes, or jumpsuits, or name tags, or anything like that to let people know. You gotta show em somehow!
1.) It hurts to walk after their workouts:
Surely, this can not be the case. It seems too logical. Nothing is what it seems- have we forgotten the preachings of Alex Jones, Hannah Montana, and Apollo Creed?
Investigative teams will be working on this case day and night until we find an answer suitable for even the pickiest Plan II student out there. They will metaphorically dress up like BHP Majors and have the persistence of a Liberal at the Conservative bake sale- it’s that big.
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