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Top 10 Ways to Get a Certain University President to Notice You on Valentine’s Day

His hair. His body. His ties. His hook ‘em. Everything about Greg Fenves is desirable. Everything. And it’s not a big deal or anything, but like, it would be nice to get his attention, ya know? So why not put two and two together and get Greg to notice you on the day of love

10.) A Nice Email:
“Dear President Fenves,

I hope this finds you well. It’s not a big deal or anything, but I will tell you who I like if you tell me who you like. I look forward to hearing back from you.

Love (or Like),
(Insert Name)”

There’s a reason why it’s number 10 in the list. Something about it lacks a certain boldness and passion. Greg doesn’t just want boldness and passion, he needs it.

9.) Dress up as President Fenves:
Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. Get out, dress in a suit, get gray hair, steal his social security number. Make a vague inspirational video that talks about inclusivity. Basically become Greg for a day.

8.) Make a big heart by the tower with you in the middle:
It’s no secret that Fenves always looks out the window of his office to see the most awkward interactions around the tower. Who wouldn’t? The reason this is number 8 is because it’s too safe, too basic. Fenves believes what starts here changes the world. In order to gain his attention, get bigger.

7.) Protest Transcript Prices:
Fenves is loved by many because of the way he reacts to protests. He listens to students’ needs and always addresses it. Transcript prices at $20 demands attention, and he can do something about it. But, let’s be real- will he really actually listen to you? It’s a risk.

6.) Ask him for a never ending construction grant:
“Hello, President Fenves, it’s *insert name*”
“Hi, *insert name*, call me Greg”
“I want to build something on your campus, I don’t know what, but I want it to take a really long ti-”
“Say no more, yours is the kingdom”

5.) Become the physical manifestation of icy roads:
Fenves pays attention to icy roads. Look at the ice day at the beginning of the semester. Here’s a proposition for you Engineering kids out there: find a way to transfigure into an icy road- Greg will notice you. And he will care for you, without end. Always keeping an eye on you.

4.) Hold Kevin Durant hostage in your dorm room:
On Valentine’s Day, Kevin Durant will be Portland. Find his hotel, find him; it can not be that hard to spot him in Portland, out of all places. Then, take him to your dorm. Within a month, UTPD will send out a text notification. Fenves’ love for Durant can’t be contained- he will find you. He might kill you, but true love is worth the risk of death.

3.) Create a Ruckus Biker Gang and Slap the Crap out of Elderly People on Campus:
It’s new, it hasn’t been done, and it’s out there. Fenves will immediately notice you, 100% guarantee. The only problem is is that there aren’t many elderly people on campus, so you might have to risk slapping professors that you need to write you recommendation letters. My pro tip: create Greg Fenves masks. See above.

2.) Haze pledges on the steps of the tower:
With recent fraternities getting kicked off campus, it appears that Fenves is putting his foot down on University Hazing Policies. Hire some fake pledges and haze them right outside of his office and he’ll definitely notice you.

1.) Host a Racist Bake Sale:
Take the Young Conservative route and passive aggressively protest Affirmative Action while angering a lot of people in the West Mall. Not only will Fenves notice you, but the entire student body population will. So if there’s a cute girl in Pom or a potential father figure in Texas Rho, they’ll know who you are. Or maybe that’s not the best idea considering racist bake sales happen to be pretty racist.

Maybe these aren’t all the best ideas, but maybe they’re crazy enough to work. Regardless, let’s turn Valentine’s Day away from significant others and towards the only person that truly matters: The President of the University of Texas at Austin, Gregory L. Fenves.

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