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The Top 6 Drunk J2 Dishes

It’s somewhere between the hours of 8:00 p.m. and 10:30 a.m . and you’re drunk and hungry. What better place to defuse the booze and get the cheapest foods than at UT’s own J2? Find a meal to match all the drunken moments of your college experience.

6.) Pizza Chips and Queso: 
If you’re not too drunk to use a knife, this is a great meal for any inebriated hour. Grab as many slices of pizza your stomach deems necessary and carefully cut the pizza into smaller, dip-able pizza slices. Now, grab a fountain of queso and start dipping. The queso fountain also functions as a beverage, because if you’re eating this you should probably switch from the Tito’s you’ve been mainlining all night.

5.) The Super Soaker:
Unfortunately, you went home alone with a stomach full of booze and not much else. And now you’re in need of a meal capable of not only soaking up the excess alcohol threatening to make you vomit in the middle of Speedway, but a meal capable of soaking up the lingering shame from your drunken 6th Street behavior. The perfect cure-all meal is waiting for you in J2, grab yourself a hamburger with french fries smushed under the bun and some warm chili to top it off. It’ll have you sober and shameless in no time.

4.) Southern Comfort:
You’ve just drank a bottle of SoCo on SoCo with your friends in the middle of the day. As you stumble back into Jester, you’re hit with hunger and 2-month old memories of your mom’s down home cookin’. If you can make it to J2 without passing out, slap this Southern food band-aid on your plate: jalapeño cornbread topped with three-cheese macaroni and bacon crushed into bits. It ain’t your momma’s, but it’ll do.

3.) The East Riverside Vegan:
First, you’ll probably fight with yourself to not eat any of the seductive meat or melty cheese tempting you all over J2. Next, you’ll get upset that Whole Foods isn’t on the 671 N Riverside bus route and you have to settle for a second-rate vegan fix. But, if you haven’t lost all your food inhibitions with your sobriety, then you’ll reluctantly concoct this: tofu chimichurri with extra chimichurri sauce and sautéed veggies on a bed of Cajun rice. You’ll think you’re saving the planet, but you’re really just saving yourself from a killer hangover.  

2.) The Sweet Spot:
Pair this sweet snack with your bubbly before heading out for a night of dancing and Lemon Drop shots at Rain: Two peanut butter cookies hugging a dollop of room temperature soft serve. This is lovers of Prosecco, Deep Eddy’s Lemonade Vodka, and mixed drinks so strong you see two UT towers. It won’t hit your g-spot, but it will pleasure your sweet spot.  

1.) The Morning After:
The night before was full of Jell-O shots, tequila, and drunk dialing your ex in the middle of a Co-Op party. Now you’ve woken up with raging headache, your clothes thrown all over your room, and that sinking feeling of, “How did I get home last night?” But, more pressing than that question is the hunger clawing at your stomach. Right now you’re in desperate need of scrambled eggs with chicken strips covered in gravy and shredded cheese all snuggled up in a tortilla, just like how you’ll eat it back in your dorm room bed with Netflix. Also, please grab a glass of water. Seriously, you fucking need it.

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