In a truly momentous email to students and faculty, UT President Greg Fenves announced this week that the celebrated rivalry between Texas and Texas A&M will commence once again, but only under the condition that all A&M students’ tractors be parked off campus on game day so as not to block traffic.
“After hearing for years about the need to reinstate one of college football’s biggest rivalries, we knew work needed to be done in order to make successful negotiations,” remarked Fenves. “However, on no condition can we allow for any tractors on campus.”
This announcement comes following UT Student Government’s efforts to revive the rivalry by emailing the student body a poll on the subject. With over 97% approval, it soon became clear the university needed to work together with the Aggies to bring back this revered tradition. Reports indicated A&M attempted to send out a similar survey to its students, but then remembered that there’s no Internet connection in College Station.
“Personally, I’m glad to get this showdown back together,” said Fenves as he began to reminisce over the many ass-whoopings the Horns laid out every Thanksgiving. “Whether it’s Ricky Williams setting the all-time rushing record against the Aggies, Vince Young torching their defense three years straight, our 76-37-5 record in the series, or Hunter Lawrence’s game-winning kick as the game ended, it was always a blast watching Texas beat up on folks that have trouble spelling ‘football.’”
When asked for comment, A&M seventh-year student and corn growing major, Obadiah Wallace, had to ask what the word ‘comment’ meant, then proceeded to mention his excitement for the revival of the state’s biggest rivalry.
“When I first heard we was gettin’ back with ‘em tea sips over at TU,” began Wallace, who then started to laugh uncontrollably at his comedic genius and originality. “Anyway, when I first heard about the announcement, shoot chea I was excited. But then I found out that I wouldn’t be able to bring my tractor. I was mighty disappointed. But then I saw they ain’t say nuthin’ bout bringing my mobile home.”
“With the way A&M just up and left us six years ago, the university was hesitant to give them any satisfaction,” said Fenves in his email. “But with how abysmal their defense looks, we decided our football team needs as many wins as it can get.”
At press time, Fenves updated the terms of renewal by adding that absolutely no kiss cam moments in College Station can feature cousins.