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UT Austin Student Government to Become Dictatorship After Complex and Dramatic Elections

This past week, the University of Texas at Austin’s new student body president was elected after a strenuous and dramatic process.

After three separate elections for the offices of president and vice president, each more confusing than the last, students became increasingly polarized and aggressive from the controversy and confusion at hand.

The two leading executive alliances comprised of a president and vice president were berated with insults about questionable events of the past and intricacies of their rhetoric. Students even went to the length of vandalizing campaign posters and insulting candidates. Due to the chaotic process of the democracy at UT Austin this year, UT leadership has decided to end transition UT student government from a democracy into a dictatorship.

We questioned several students on their reactions to the events that took place over the last month on campus.

“I’ve never seen something that separated students like this”, said Erik a third year Sociology major.

Neil, a 5th year senior in fine arts stated “The election made me do things I didn’t know I was capable of like reading and responding to 1000 word essays people posted on Facebook or changing my profile picture frame. Before this election I didn’t even know we had a student body president.”

Nimi a second year marketing major said “at first a dictator sounded violent and frankly absurd, but after hearing more about it, I think it will be way simpler than a democracy. Also I’m trying to steal the dictator’s heart for part of that UT money.”

Colton Becker, the newly elected student body president will serve as the first dictator of UT and Mehraz Rahman will be the right hand woman to the dictator. (the official titles will be released in the coming weeks).

Additionally, the tower will be converted into a palace for the new dictator over the summer. The responsibilities of the dictator will be to handle affairs of the subjects (students) and pretty much impose their will upon the 40 acres. The dictator will also be provided a police force of 40 trained mercenaries to protect themselves and minimize the possibility of a coup. Additionally the dictator will have $100 million per year to do with as they please. Bevo will serve as the royal steed.

The dictator will be able to keep the position as long as he desires and can bestow the position on to anyone as well. Although the dictators eldest son or daughter is technically heir to the throne, the dictator can issue a predecessor if he wishes to relieve themself of their duties.

President Greg Fenves stated, “Student Elections this year were so unnecessarily dramatic and extra. A dictatorship will make things way easier and let students focus on their studies and how they can be good subjects of the dictator.” Other faculty weren’t so warm to the idea. “This is a joke right?” stated the UT Provost who has since been fired for questioning the dictator. Many professors and other members of UT leadership are livid that the dictatorship is happening and was even proposed in the first place. Fenves will serve as a Jester to the dictator.

Students will be required to kneel to the dictator on and off campus and bring them a minimum of one gift (minimum $20) per semester. Students may no longer have access to the Bill of Rights but they’ll never have to deal with the stress of student elections again.

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