AUSTIN — With the feelings of intense, complete giddiness that accompanies college basketball, the UT student body earlier expressed feelings of incredible excitement upon realizing that the Longhorns are bound for yet another early March Madness exit.
“Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve wanted to see Texas crash and burn out of the tournament,” said JD Augustine, UT super fan and undeclared freshman. “There’s nothing I love in this dreary world more than a mediocre basketball club that chokes the moment they face pressure in the tourney, and Texas fits that description perfectly.”
“Oh geez, I just can’t wait for Texas to go through the whole season, barely inching past opponents in our conference, only to put up 55 points against the team we face during March Madness and lose good players leave for the draft,” cried Augustine.
Head coach Shaka Smart announced that he intends to tell his team to just play the worst basketball of their lives for the first half of the season.
“Over the last eight years or so, Texas teams have historically just crashed out of the gate during the season. Every game this season, we’ll be struggling to score for the first half while the other team slowly pulls away, then get hyped for an interesting second half when we almost get it close,” Smart said.
“In reality, rooting for Texas in the Tournament is like pursuing your dream,” Augustine said. “You delude yourself into thinking you’ve got a legitimate shot to win it all, but in reality, you’re completely boned from the start.”
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