UT Student Misunderstands Ritual, Accidentally Sacrifices Beloved Albino Squirrel
AUSTIN- UT’s beloved albino squirrel tragically passed away Sunday after ill-informed freshman Donny Yelkovich sacrificed the beloved beast in an attempt to save his floundering collegiate GPA.
“Oh my God, what have I done?” cried the idiotic, inexperienced government major in between bites of what he described as ‘squirrel jerky.’ “How was I supposed to know I only had to see the albino squirrel in order to receive good luck on my exams?”
The mix-up comes during the university’s daunting finals week, the time of year where students are constantly pressured to spend hours on end just studying for a couple of exams. Ancient UT lore dictates that those lucky few individuals who happen to gaze upon that snow-white fleece of the once-legendary creature were to be promised the riches of top-notch finals grades.
“I feel so ashamed for ruining such an honored tradition,” continued a tearful Yelkovich, pausing to pull the fire alarm in the PCL and then buying up all the blue books in the JCL. “I just feel so awful about ruining finals for everybody else.”
The dearly departed albino squirrel will be laid to rest this Saturday after the main graduation ceremony, with university President Greg Fenves giving the eulogy.
“We here in the Longhorn community have experienced such loss over the weekend,” a mournful Fenves said at a press conference through a face full of steady tears. “No rodent on campus will replace what our albino meant to each and every student, and unfortunately now nothing will stop an onslaught of D’s and F’s from occurring.”
“It’s really just a freak accident. There was nothing I could do about it,” a frightened Yelkovich tried to explain to the angry mob forming outside his Jester West dorm room. “I just wrongly interpreted that once you saw the squirrel, you were supposed to sacrifice it to like Moloch or something. It’s a mistake anyone could make.”
Yelkovich intends to go into hiding, mainly so that he never has to take any finals without the blessing of UT’s second most beloved creature. His girlfriend, Sally Yelnats, was reportedly devastated to find that she can no longer encounter God’s blessing to this campus.
“I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to study,” a dejected Yelnats sighed. “I was just going to waste hours probing all forty acres of campus for this fair beast, completely sold out to finding him before my 8 a.m. advertising final tomorrow.”