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UT Students Turn to Satanic Chants Instead of Adderall

In recent weeks, many students at UT Austin have turned to satanic chanting in the hopes that it would produce better results on exams than Adderall.

“I decided to give it a shot because evil is at its peak at the end of October and all. I mean, as much as Adderall helped me stay up and cram for exams, I know that abusing drugs isn’t the smartest thing to do, so summoning a demon seemed like a safer option,” UT sophomore Kyle McMasters says as he sits on his floor in the middle of a badly drawn pentagram. “I’m not trying to convert to Satanism or anything, but if some evil ghost dude could help me out, I would definitely appreciate the religion a little more.”

Like McMasters, other students at UT hope to get some help from evil spirits, though many are staying away from any hardcore sacrificial rituals.

“The problem is finding friends who will join in,” junior Rosemary Loler explains as she lights candles to set the mood for her ritual. “I asked my friend if she wanted to drive out to some woods and give it a try and she looked at me like I was insane. I haven’t done any research on it, I was just going to copy the movies, without any of the killing or violence. I don’t want to open some door to Hell since the PCL already exists and we don’t need two Hells, but maybe cracking open a window will bring a mild evil to help me out.”

Most students are looking for no more than a small commitment to the dark side, and hope that engaging in only slightly evil chanting will give them that push to at least pass an exam. While they’re looking to films for inspiration for what to chant, students have wisely opted to forego the truly evil aspects of satanic rituals by customizing their sacrifices.

“I’m just going to draw some of my own blood,” explained Loler. “Or buy a $20 transcript to burn. At first, I was going to cut off a lock of my hair but if this doesn’t work, I don’t want to look like an idiot.”

The growing number of students choosing to dabble in black magic has caused a problem for the campus. While many believe offering a piece of their own bodies will be enough to attract an evil spirit, others hope that sacrificing a piece of the school itself will guarantee a successful ritual. This belief has lead students to taking bits of the school, namely the Speedway bricks, to use in their attempt to avoid actually studying.

President Fenves has taken measures to prevent any more theft on campus, even calling on the campus police, though truly desperate students continue to steal the bricks. Sources say that if this remains a problem, Fenves is considering ways to increase tuition in order to pay for the damage done to the damaged bricks.

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