AUSTIN— In the wake of a staggering phone bill unfathomable to the everyday citizen, the University of Texas Police Department has undergone the initial phases of bankruptcy after discovering that their daily, up-to-the-minute notification of any remote crime to all 40,000 students has cost the department approximately $4 billion in text messaging fees.
“When someone introduced me to ‘live tweeting,’ I was absolutely floored at how far modern technology has advanced,” said UTPD Chief Brutus D’Onofrio without looking up from his phone as he perused an abyssal Twitter feed. “Then I decided that we should try to incorporate that into our department’s updates, but the UTPD account is weak af, so we totes decided to just message the hell out of everyone.”
The new approach from UTPD comes after years of students’ complaints that campus does not update them quickly enough as to the crimes committed in the campus vicinity. In response, President Fenves announced before the 2017-18 school year that UTPD would send out more frequent, descriptive notifications to students through whatever means possible.
“I mean, we expected that sending out so many messages en masse would incur a hefty bill, but even then, yeesh, Verizon is robbing us blind,” complained D’Onofrio after pausing shortly to reminisce over that Terio Vine. “Which reminds me, I need to text out an alert for a robbery at UTPD headquarters.”
When asked for comment, possibly a black female of UNKNOWN AFFILIATION last seen wearing a stars and stripes beanie and a black jacket had very strong opinions on the subject.
“If UTPD actually goes bankrupt, it’s what they deserve,” she said while looking over a folder entitled ‘Fast Food Heist Plans.’ “With that pesky law enforcement out of the way, I will be free to hold up all fifteen Subways in the UT vicinity.”
“Before we ran into these financial problems, we had a very ambitious plan to slowly send out more and more content to UT students,” explained D’Onofrio while trying to think of material he could send out on a Facebook story. “Eventually, we would expand to the point where we update you on every miscellaneous event the Department encounters. Bike parked incorrectly? Everyone gets a text. We find some kid passed out by Tap? Everyone gets a text. They run out of donuts at Dunkin’? You guessed it: Everyone. Gets. A. Text.”
At press time, Fenves has announced that UTPD will now expand their notifications to every students’ Twitter DMs, Facebook Messaging, Snaps, Insta DMs, Venmo feeds, GroupMe’s, and even Canvas messaging.
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