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The Black Sheep

Booze Review: Hamm’s

Ah, one of the most polarizing macrobrews around. Liquid gold to the hipsters and a can of piss to literally anybody else. This cheap beer is as divisive as our current political climate, and we’re here to give you the real scoop, fake news aside. It is what it is, and what it is isn’t great. Here’s our Hamm’s review:

Grade: C-

Smells Like:
An unwashed, beer-stained vintage jacket found falling off a coat hanger in the corner of your local Goodwill.

Tastes Like:
La Croix after you’ve just finished chain-smoking a pack of American Spirits in a matter of minutes.

Typical Drinkers:

– Townies in the making.

– Dudes who philosophically debate you the second they get remotely tipsy.

– Hipsters who terrorize parties with unsolicited critiques of Greek life.

– Mac DeMarco look-a-likes.

– Trust fund kids who look broke for the aesthetic.

– People who put themselves through the misery of drinking shitty beer in the name of irony.

User Comments:

– “Like Nietzsche once said: ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ …Or was that Kelly Clarkson?”

– “I’m just too broke to afford IPAs.”

– “Who cares about beer brands? Screw capitalism, dude!”

– “Hamm’s is more than a beer. It’s a lifestyle. Anybody have a lighter?”

Best Described as a Drink Superior To:
The literal “sky blue waters” mentioned in their tagline. At least Hamm’s will get you drunk.

Prerequisites to Purchase:
Must own at least one (1) typewriter and twenty-four (24) flannel shirts.

You’ll Love This If:
You’re vegan for health reasons but dabble in the occasional recreational hard drug use.

Probable Celebrity Endorsements:
Any damaged soul who capitalized on their sadness. So like, an author or something.

We Mixed It With:
Shredded pages from an old literature anthology and scrambled tofu.

 

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