IFC’s favorite library is currently under construction, and the agonizingly long time it’s taking for what will undoubtedly be a subpar campus café makes it seem obvious that something besides an excuse not to walk the extra seven steps to Strada is being constructed. What is it? Let’s speculate.
10.) A storage locker for unclaimed CED projects:
Did you forget to destroy a book during the project where you had to carve out a city using textbook pages, an X-Acto knife, and a ruler? The storage locker will be full of projects from subpar students of years past, so you can probably take one of those! Great!
9.) An underground kombucha luge:
The underground kombucha luge would do a great job at connecting co-ops to campus. Kombucha will be filtered directly from the chambers of secrecy and nudity at Lothlorien and then stored on tap outside Wurster for public consumption. Bougie and fun!
Do you love hornets? Like, LOVE hornets? Perfect! This interactive hornet chamber will sting your senses awake and have you swollen with pride and energy on the way to class!
7.) A 9-foot-tall replica of an R1B syllabus:
Do you ever forget what your R1B syllabus looks like? No worries! This 9-foot-tall underground replica of a real life R1B syllabus will make sure you always remember what East Central Eurasian Basket Weaving Literature was about!
6.) Clark Kerr Brunch™ satellite location:
Does the phrase “powdered eggs” get you sexually aroused? All food waste would be delivered from Clark Kerr to the satellite location where it would be liquefied and then made into recycled food omelets. How sustainable.
5.) A really big small dog with an underground yard or something:
We just think that this would be really cool. Not a “big” dog, but a small breed of dog that’s on the bigger side. You know? Maybe you could even pet it or start a DeCal where you walk it or some shit.
4.) A soundproof punishment chamber for anyone who’s ever asked, “Are you interested in business?”:
Everyone who knows you’re a poli-sci major and has still tried to push a Berkeley Consulting™ flyer into your hands will sit in an underground, sound-proof punishment chamber until their supplied of embroidered Patagonia brand fleeces run out.
3.) An incinerator for rejected Haas applications:
Too embarrassed to take “Pre-Haas at UC Berkeley” out of your Facebook profile? No worries! This incinerator will allow you to burn your application to ensure that no one knows of your utter failure to succeed!
2.) A rerouted Keystone Pipeline, but instead of natural resources it just pumps Keystone Light:
Natural resources are #important and #trendy and instead of pumping oil into Berkeley, the rerouted Keystone Pipeline will pump Keystone Light through campus to fuel maybe some energy source someday, but in the interim will just power most of IFC through the rest of the semester.
1.) A direct access subway from Channing Circle to the outside of Wurster:
The direct access subway will allow everyone in Cal Greek Life™ to have an expedited trek to Wurster. Instead of having to walk 3 minutes, Cal Greek Life™ members will take an underground subway running from Channing Circle to Wurster to ensure that they never go to any other library on campus.
WATCH: Here’s a real shocker: old rich white guys don’t care about women’s health.