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10 Things Found in the Memorial Glade Trash Can After 4/20

If all the greenery on Friday demonstrated anything, it’s that spring has sprung at Cal! Yes, on April 20, 2018, otherwise known as 4/20, otherwise otherwise known as the day you saved your last excused discussion absence for, UC Berkeley students eagerly mobbed to Memorial Glade to partake in one of Cal’s most prized traditions. Whether you simply went for the weed, the company, the tanning, or the immediate and all-consuming contact high, this 4/20 was one for the books, leaving us at The Black Sheep to wonder: what on earth will we find in the Memorial Glade trashcan after 4/20? 

10.) Your term paper:
Yep! No surprises here. After attempting to use and effectively destroying several of the twelve pages as rolling papers, 30% of your final grade was tossed into the trash can! Turns out your paranoia wasn’t unfounded.

9.) A tampon applicator that someone clearly tried to smoke out of #feminismwin:
Wow! In a valiant political statement, or if the person in question could not find anything else in their backpack, it appears someone tried to smoke out of a Tampax Pearl TM Maximum Flow applicator. Judging by the melted plastic it was solidly inefficient, but somewhere, out there, the women of Broad City are shouting “YAS KWEEN!”

8.) Francis (“Frank”) the overbearing patriarch of the raccoon family:
Oh boy. Francis, nestled under several copies of The Daily Cal, was hoping to use food scraps as a coping mechanism to deal with his failing marriage and resentful teenage kids. Turns out his dictatorial parenting style could only persist for so long before the underlying family tension comes to a head, and Frank here ended up being blindsided. Did you hear he and his wife aren’t sleeping in the same bed anymore?

7.) Several bags of oregano:
Everyone wanted to be in on the fun on 4/20, but some of the less habitual users were in over their heads. Some entrepreneurial Haas reject sold several hundred bags of oregano to naive Berkeley freshmen, leaving them sober and smelling just like Gypsy’s Trattoria Italiano.

6.) The spirit of Rihanna:
Legend has it that the Santa Claus of 4/20, otherwise known simply as “Rihanna,” appears every April to instill the season’s spirit in all the little good girls and boys. After persistently haunting those who can’t figure out how to roll a blunt, she faded into the smoke, leaving behind only her spirit as she obsessed over the raccoon family’s drama.

5.) Clarise, a raccoon trying to figure out if she can have it all?:
After years of balancing scavenging and her role as dutiful wife and mother, Clarise has had ENOUGH! She finally kicked her husband Frank to the curb and she is single and ready to mingle. But can she handle being a single parent, a working mother, and a hot piece of tail all at the same time? Can she really have it all?

4.) Your Haas rejection letter:
Weirdly, it turns out that making hundreds by selling oregano to underage freshmen under false pretenses does not a Haas-student make! The plot of Risky Business failed you yet again. Keep blazing on.

3.) My Frisbee which a super stoned person thought was a UFO and freaked out about:
PSA, asshole: it was not a UFO. It was my Frisbee. I will accept a new one or you can Venmo me $10, whichever you prefer.

2.) Uncle Paul, the estranged black sheep of the raccoon family who is now trying to develop a relationship with his nieces and nephews after destroying his with his brother, Francis:
Finally, Uncle Paul has a window into the lives of his family members. After years of being kept away from his brother’s children due to a longstanding feud, the ostracizing of Francis leaves the adolescent raccoons in pursuit of a father figure, and who better to turn to than Ole Uncle Paul! They say he looks like bad news, a bandit, but his eyes bely deep kindness and generosity of spirit.

1.) Annabelle, the teenage raccoon daughter reeling from the many upsetting familial changes occurring within this trash can:
Poor Annabelle. Her whole life has been turned upside down, and not just when we flipped over the trash can to be able to write this article! With her father wallowing in his mid-life crisis and her mother attempting to create a new, independent life, Annabelle is left with only the company of her weird uncle and a new habit of marijuana usage.

Happy 4/20!

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