Despite being the most ridiculed library on campus, Moffitt somehow contains the population of a small city literally every hour of the day. Finding a seat is an objective impossibility. Only students willing to employ the most extreme tactics are successful in securing a coveted spot there. Are you one of these seat-finding super-students? See if you’ve employed any of their strategies!
10.) Actually book a study room:
Actually, maybe don’t try to book a study room. It’s an infuriating inconvenience and only works for about an hour, max.
9.) Pull the fire alarm:
If you can manage to hide in the bathroom and escape the subsequent mandatory evacuation, you’ll have the library to yourself.
8.) Hide a hornets nest in your backpack, and release it upon arrival:
You might need to wear protective gear, but it’s totally worth it.
7.) Bring your own chair and desk:
While labor-intensive, at least this tactic guarantees you a seat.
6.) Found and build a crime syndicate with your bare hands, rule through fear and intimidation with an iron fist, impose your will across the land, and eliminate anyone who dare challenge your authority:
This one’s a little tough, but if you can pull it off, Moffitt will clear out upon your entrance. It comes highly recommended by Don Vito Corleone, a Berkeley alumnus.
5.) Ask politely:
Legend has it that asking politely was common practice in the days of yore. Maybe give it a try?
4.) Discreetly spray a few students in the face with nerve agent VX:
If North Korea can get away with it, so can you!
3.) Bribe someone:
Most UC Berkeley students are poor and desperate. Offering them a few dollars, cheap alcohol, or even a bag of lemons in exchange for their seat might actually work.
2.) Challenge another student to a duel:
Sabres are accepted, but antiquated pistols are preferred. Rope off a long strip of the fourth floor, give students time to place their bets, and take your ten paces. The surviving student gets the seat.
1.) Get frustrated, give up, and write about it:
No, we’re not salty just because we couldn’t find a seat. We swear we’re not pissed, we just thought it would make a funny article. Shut up! Why’d you bring it up anyway? Get off our case, man!
Hopefully these helped. If they didn’t, we told you so. If they did, you did NOT hear how to do it from us. Some of the shit above is pretty ridiculous, not to mention dangerous. You know what? On second thought, hopefully they didn’t help. We’ve gotta find seats too.
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