After the school year ends, graduate or not, everyone tends to get as far away from this place as they physically and mentally can. But living like an adult without UC Berkeley to serve your every need can be stressful and difficult. That’s why, before you leave, we recommend you get your grubby little hands on as many of these items as possible to help you out.
12.) A lease:
Rooming in Berkeley is expensive, hella expensive. No matter what you think, you can’t live in SAE until you’re 50. So, start looking for your lease now, try stealing one, even! What are you going do if you don’t have somewhere to live? Go back to your parents’ house?
11.) Anything of value that your roommates own:
Having the freedom to sell big-ticket items without personal cost really helps when you’re in a financial bind. And financial binds are frequent in the real world. Maybe even try and steal a mattress from your roommate back in Boulder.
10.) A squirrel. Or two. Or three.:
A low-maintenance, cute addition to your post-Berkeley life. You’ll also help lower the ridiculous squirrel overpopulation here. Who doesn’t want that?
Yours probably got stolen while you were here. So why not steal someone else’s? It’s guaranteed you’ll get away with it. Both the crime and the bike!
8.) As much Cal gear as possible:
How else are you going to let everyone know that you went to UC Berkeley? Plus, it gets cold in the winter, and you’re going to need those sweaters, hoodies, socks, sweatpants, beanies, and windbreakers to survive.
7.) Enough Greek letters from fraternity and sorority houses to spell your name:
This serves no purpose really, it would just be Σ Ι Γ Κ, bro. Amirite?! Or if you want, just steal a KA shirt. That’s basically the same? Because the only thing important about you isn’t your name, it’s your frat.
6.) A panini-press from Pat Brown’s:
They take meal points! It’s only about 150 points to buy their panini press. Practical and bougie.
Hornets are a classic. They’re always good to have if you want to exact revenge upon your mortal enemies, like that GSI who told you “you couldn’t miss class because of 4/20.” Set some hornets on him.
4.) The entire Campanile:
The Campanile is one of those things that’s impossible to live without. Not only does it have enormous sentimental value, but also it’s literally enormous. And it tells time. Plus, you could tell every single one of your guests that it’s larger than Stanford’s tower.
3.) Every single chair in Moffitt Library:
You’ll be able to furnish your house and it won’t really make a difference to Berkeley’s student population, because nobody can find a seat there anyhow.
2.) Tickets to [insert important once-in-a-lifetime-chance-to-see-speak political figure]:
As a powerhouse university, UC Berkeley has a lot of powerhouse speakers, none of which you’ve likely been able to see.
1.) A diploma*:
It cost you at least 4 years and approximately $130,000 dollars. This is a must.
Before you graduate get your grubby little hands on all of these items! Not sure if it’ll work that well, though, seeing as you couldn’t even sneak any food into Moffitt. How are you going to get these out?