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The 6 Best Bathrooms at Cal, Now Please Stop Pissing All Over My Couch

Any Berkeley student can attest that not all bathrooms at Cal were created equal; here are the six best bathrooms at Cal, which also function as six alternatives to pissing all over my couch. Please, it can only take so much abuse.

6.) Wheeler:


As a result of the recent remodel, the bathrooms in Wheeler are much nicer than they used to be. I noticed you’ve been pissing all over my couch lately, so in the case that you’re doing that because you were grossed out by some of the bathrooms on campus, you’re more than welcome to use the newly refurbished bathrooms of Wheeler!

5.) Dwinelle:


Alright, so these aren’t the nicest bathrooms in the world, but they’ll do the job if you happen to find one. Hey, at least they have seats and are open to the public! It’s easier to use a restroom here than it is to break into my house every single night for the singular purpose of pissing all over my $179 IKEA couch. Just a thought!

4.) VLSB:


The VLSB bathrooms are not only super easy to find, but are relatively well-maintained. Please, head on over to a VSLB restroom instead of using a tire iron to shatter my glass windows, cartwheel into my home, and unload liters of piss onto my pristine couch while screaming the lyrics to Elton John’s “Honky Cat”. Please.

3.) FSM Cafe:


Free Speech Movement Cafe’s restroom is well-known for its graffiti. Hey, maybe that could be a way to express yourself! If you’re interested in graffiti, that might be a fun alternative to breaking into my house at 2 in the morning every night, screaming at the top of your lungs as you piss all over my beautiful couch, completely terrorizing my family. Please, release your preternatural volumes of hot piss into the appropriate receptacle at the bathroom in FSM Cafe, rather than onto the beautiful couch in my home, which I work very hard to maintain. My wife is so afraid.

2.) Barrows:


Barrows! The Barrows restrooms are another set of campus restrooms which boast the great combination of being well-maintained and easy-to-find. Please, for the love of God and any and all other deities or expressions of metaphysical nihilism, please, take the time out of your day to frequent a Barrows restroom rather than drinking 8 consecutive 2-liter bottles of Squirt!® beginning at 5pm, putting on a Hazmat suit, waiting until my wife and children are asleep, and breaking into our home to piss on our beloved couch, all the while oscillating between screaming obscenities at my twin sons and calmly delivering a critical treatise on Hegel’s delineation of the subjective will. Please, I am begging you.

1.) MLK:


The MLK restrooms are arguably one of the nicest on campus. Located directly next to Equator Coffee, the MLK restrooms are the perfect intersection of design and practicality. Please, if you have an ounce of morality flowing through your veins, leave us in peace, or at least do us the favor of killing us to wake us from this boundless and perpetual nightmare. Ay me! how many Perils do enfold/ The righteous Man, to make him daily fall?

So now that you’ve got this comprehensive list of the six best bathrooms on campus, please see fit to stop pissing all over my couch. The righteous suffer in vain. In the words of Tristan Tzara, morality is an injection of chocolate into the veins of all men. Come, driver! Good night, ladies, good night, sweet ladies, good night, good night.

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