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6 Berkeley Characters Every Cal Student Knows


Cal is a special place, one that holds the very coziest of spots in our hearts, right along side our stress-eating hardened arteries, lulled by our racing, caffeinated heart beat. Spending as much time on campus as we do, students will definitely recognize these 6 characters who are frequently spotted at Cal and truly add to the charm of the place we call home.


6.) Tai Chi Man:


The closing of Wheeler Hall has resulted in a number of travesties, and students aren’t the only ones affected. Tai Chi Man could often be seen in Wheeler’s majestic, marble foyer, practicing his supreme, ultimate boxing as he bended the electric currents that construct the very fabric of our space-time continuum. Recently, he has been displaced and now playfully tickles our cosmic order in the much less impressive, front-middle area of Dwinelle.


5.) Non-Sequitur Man:


I really hate the Israeli government…I hate Zionism… you know, bombs bursting in the air has made Berkeley very rich… The Air Force bursts in the air to prove our flag is still there… you know what rhymes with slave? Wave… Manifest Destiny! I have benefited from racism. Who knows why? Who knows why under McKinley America killed a million Muslims in the Philippines? Yes, I know, he had to do it that’s why he died… You go to Satan University, don’t you study that? Wouldn’t you know?! This is MIT!”


4.) Creative Outfit Guy:


Often found standing in a central part of Sproul, this man adorns a variety of creative clothing and sometimes holds a fishing rod. Indeed many agree they have never seen a black trash bag look so good. He often wears goggles crafted from aluminium foil (DIY article to come!) or a homemade head garment, which really is the only type of respectable head garment there is, that seems to be a papier mache, double-peaked gnome hat. His accouterments never fail to amaze as he does his sweet, little, disturbing jig for all to see.


3.) The Modern Apostles:


Usually, these characters stick to yelling Bible stuff, but occasionally students will get their very own, unprompted, religious diagnosis. More recently, The Black Sheep observed two girls pass by, and the man asked, “Hey girls, how are you doing?” But before allowing them a response, he continued, “Not too good, huh?…It’s because YOU HAVE NO SAVIOR!!!”

2.) OutShine People:


A recently-introduced presence on campus, the OutShine Fruit Bar people have been bringing joy to students in the form of popsicles. Stationed just before entering campus or just leaving, these are more than just fruit bars made from organic fruit with all natural ingredients of real fruit featuring real fruit. It’s happiness on a stick. Having a shit day? Just failed a midterm? Just remembered the problem set due at five? That’s nothing a fucking chunk of fruit ice on a stick can’t fix.


1.) Tony:


Tony B Conscious “was born in Seattle, Washington as the first of three children.  He has been an exceptional communicator every since he became able to speak and write” . Many suspect Tony to be a sort of all knowing being who graces the intersection of Durant and Telegraph. We overheard him say to a gangly freshman, “The only time I say no is if there’s a ‘k’ in the front and a ‘w’ at the end” and even to us as we passed by, “The music and love never stop, baby.” No, they don’t, Tony… No, they don’t.


We may often forget these characters spotting our campus, but they make Cal home. For what’s a walk to class without the daily reminder from the modern apostles that you’re going to hell?


Just like the leaves on trees or the srat stars’ skin, coffee in Starbucks cups nation wide is turning orange this month?




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