Every Berkeley student knows the feeling: you’re late to class, it’s 9:06, you’re standing on the corner of Bancroft and Telegraph considering jaywalking as cars whiz by, the only thing standing between you and Dwinelle are the countless students waiting to beg you to apply for their club. Stop for a second and you will receive your 3rd tardy, dropping your B to a B-. To help you avoid this situation, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of ways to avoid getting flyered in Sproul.
Put your headphones on and keep your eyes directly ahead. When approached, do not react, continue walking as if no one is trying to convince you to join their Pastafarian A Cappella group. Here is your chance to listen to the Foo Fighters’ new album, so you can convince your dad that you’re cool and hip.
Next time you’re at the thrift store be sure to pick up this handy accessory. These sunglasses will become your best friend. Not only will you look stylish avoiding the sun, a step you must take as a consequence of drinking too much on a Wednesday night, but avoiding eye contact has never been so easy.
4.) Say “No” to everything:
“Do you care about starving children in Africa?” No. “Do you want to help support victims affected by Hurricane Harvey?” No. “Do you even give a damn?” No. The correct answer is always no. With this approach, you can’t go wrong. You may sound like a complete bitch, but hey, at least you don’t have an additional piece of paper in your hand.
3.) Hand out your own fliers:
This technique takes an extra step as it involves keeping a stack of papers readily available on your person at all times. But it’s worth it in the long run, as by simply holding the flyers in your hand as you walk through Sproul, others with flyers will move in the opposite direction as they try to pass out their own flyers to unsuspecting students.
2.) Wear a Trump hat:
For only $10.99 you too can sacrifice your well-being and safety to avoid getting a flyer. With this coveted red hat, you are sure to get immediate attention from everyone in Berkeley’s liberal stronghold. You can’t receive a flyer if you’re being pepper sprayed. And on the plus side, you’ll receive tons of media attention as Berkeley earns an even worse reputation for being accepting of all political beliefs!
1.) Avoid Sproul completely:
Remember when you planned out alternative routes onto campus avoiding Sproul in response to ex-Chancellor Dirks’ email regarding the Ann Coulter protest? Here is your opportunity to employ those routes again!
With these tricks, you are sure to help improve the environment saving one-quarter piece of paper at a time. Good luck!