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7 Things Next Year’s Freshmen Will Never Know About Berkeley

When the class of 2022 was still in high school, Berk was a better place. There wasn’t a week-long orientation shit show, freshman enrollment was capped at 13 units instead of 17, and the following institutions used to grace us with their presence:

7.) Bancroft with an American Apparel location:
Need to dress like a thot on a tight budget? Want to get a choker just like all the other ~cool~ Clark Kerr bitches? Perfect! The Bancroft American Apparel was a perfect place to get such trivial, cheaply-made items for anybody too rational to make a transaction at Urban Outfitters.

6.) Remy’s:
Once upon a time, there was a Mexican restaurant next to People’s Park! And they never checked IDs! And they even sold pitchers of beer to high schoolers! Guess how they went down

5.) Crossroads Late Night actually being open late at night:
Last year, you used to be able to stumble into Crossroads Late Night as late as 1:59 a.m. to compound your awful substance abuse-related weekend decisions with artery-clogging food. The year before that, they were stupid enough to run the show on weekends too, so you could be dumb enough to go to DKE and Crossroads in the same night.  But nowadays? Closed at 9 p.m.

4.) Having a corrupt chancellor:
Carol Christ is lovely and worked as a Title IX coordinator. Nicholas Dirks looked like the human version of a pair of Tevas and spent $700k on a fence for his mansion.

3.) BCR being a low-key group on campus:
One time, BCR used to just kind of exist. Then Tammy Lauren and Milo Yiannanananannnanananananana made a big deal about them. Now they get a whole table on Sproul with a little tent.

2.) Wheeler Hall construction:
Wheeler used to be more white and mysterious than your Uncle Ryan from Sherman Oaks. Now it’s a cool place to get lost or take a shit in the well-lit stalls.

1.) Ramona’s Café:
Ramona’s was a perfect dining option, conveniently located in Greek Life Library Place Wurster Hall. Then it got shut down for a whole year and is about to open as “Rice and Bones,” which sounds like a gentrified rock band.

Pour one out at the former Remy’s for the youth, they’ll never know what they didn’t have.

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