8 Non-Academic Reasons You Won’t Be Graduating From Berkeley

author-pic at UC Berkeley  

With graduation coming up many people (read: frat stars) are worried their grades won’t allow them to graduate. But for others at this school, they worry that their shenanigans over their four (or more) years here may have cost them a piece of paper. So, The Black Sheep we have compiled the 8 Non-Academic Reasons you will not graduate come May, 2017.

8.) You Brought Food Into Main Stacks:

Oh, you were hungry during your all-nighter? That doesn’t mean you can bring you almonds into Main Stacks. Who knows what you could’ve used those almonds for! We’re not really sure, but we think it probably involves a flamethrower, all the books in the library, and fascism. No food in Main Stacks, no graduation for you!

 

7.) You Didn’t Return A Book From The Moffitt Circulation Desk By The Two-Hour Checkout Time:

You thought you were special? You thought you could return your book in two and a half hours? Well, the school took notice. They’re not going to fine you, no. They’re taking away your chances of graduating. Next time think carefully about being that shithead that takes the Biology IB textbook out for extra time.

6.) You Walked Out of Convocation Early Freshman Year:

Ah, convocation, what a time, don’t you remember? Well, actually, you probably don’t seeing as you walked out early. And, remember how they said you would get in trouble, yet you never did? Little did you know, but this entire time the school was waiting to get back to you at the perfect time. No convocation…no graduation.

5.) You Never Finished Your AC Requirement:

Well this one is academic. But seriously, fuck the AC requirement.

4.) You Brought a Reusable Water Bottle Into Late Night:

NO WATER BOTTLES AT LATE NIGHT. You heard the warnings. You ignored them. Now you won’t graduate. This is what you get for thinking you can be some punk who disobeys the rules.

 

3.) You Rushed DKE:

Yeah, not a smart idea on your part. Everyone knows it takes at least seven years for an average DKE to graduate; it’s not called the “DKE 7-Year Plan” for nothing.

2.) You Never Finished AlcoholEDU:

You thought it was fine, didn’t you? Well it wasn’t. Not only were you not properly educated on safe party habits, but also you also openly defied the bureaucracy of Berkeley. For that, you will not be able to graduate! Take that.

1.) You Openly Denounced Communism:

Berkeley is the birthplace of communism! Wait, it actually might have been free speech, but either way you denounced communism! You explicitly stated, “Karl Marx was just alright.” Next time you want to say something blasphemous like that, think again. Because Daddy Marx is spinning in his grave, you ain’t crossing that stage.

 

You thought it was easy to graduate, but little did you know there are a lot of reasons you will not be graduating with the rest of your would-be peers. Congrats Class of 2017, and for the rest of you, we’ll see you back here next year.