Berkeley A**hole Actually Has Time to Go Out Tonight

author-pic at UC Berkeley  

This week, sophomore Nabik Natesh reported that his asshole roommate, Ethan McWilkerson, will actually have time to go out tonight.

“Can you believe that?” reported the disgruntled intended computer science major in an interview at the Unit 1 suites. Natesh, who is struggling to pull a B+ in CS70, has been studying incessantly since Monday morning. He confessed:

“I don’t even know if I can do it… I thought CS was right for me and it’s what I love but I just don’t know anym–” before being cut off by his roommate’s entrance.

“What’s up FUCKERS?” declared a half-shitfaced McWilkerson—interrupting the interview. Natesh sighed, shut his computer, and prepared for an earful about his roommate’s wicked night at his KA date party.

Insider data gathered from Snapchats and a personal account of the shitfaced KA brother indicated that his night was an entire “three degrees above lit,” two degrees beyond the national average. 

Natesh congratulated his roommate and, as per the rules of standard roommate conversation, gently complained that he was 7 CS lectures behind and really needed to get back to studying. “McWilkerson, on the other hand, is a pre-Haas major whose hardest class this semester is UGBA 10, which doesn’t even have a final. “

Disregarding his roommate’s lament, McWilkerson plopped down at his desk with a plate of pizza rolls, pushed aside the notes for his anthropology final and, with a sigh of relief, said: “Phew, good thing I tested out of the English requirement in high school, right? And also the math requirement? Amirite? Nabik? Nabik?”

Nabik is in critical condition at Berkeley City Hospital after slamming his head into his desk when his roommate asked if he was going out this Friday night as well.