Here is a good picture of Danny Kelly
Name: Danny Kelly
Bar: Tap Haus
Relationship Status: “Facebook says I’m single.”
Favorite Drink: Sierra Nevada Hop Hunter
Favorite Drink At Tap Haus: Petrus Sour
Favorite Shot: “Vitali”
Here is a good picture depicting the extensive menu Tap Haus sports.
What flavor chip would Tap Haus be? Why?:
“The siracha-flavored kettlechip because everyone loves kettlechips and this place can get spicy on the weekends.”
His eyes then flashed with knowingness and one of the bar patrons fell of her stool, drunk with love.
Favorite “Cheers to the Governor” Rule:
“Horny Cow Impression on 17.”
We regret to say that even after much coaxing, Kelly could not be convinced to show us his Horny Cow impression, although he did show us his Horny Chicken impression. It was as glorious as you’re imagining it.
Spirit Animal: A Spotted Owl
Truly the resemblance is astounding.
What conspiracy theory do you secretly hold to be true?:
“Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.”
What movie title best describes your first sexual experience?:
Would you rather wake up covered in your own blood or someone else’s blood? Explain.:
“My own blood… ‘cause I’m a martyr.”
Best and worst Four Loko flavor:
“Gold is probably the best, Fruit Punch is the worst.”
At this moment, ASUC President Will Morrow looked up from his pint of Guinness with his doleful eyes and shook his head in disdain. He then sighed a sigh that would shame the winds of the Sahara, and corrected Kelly, saying,
“Fruit Punch. I am ASUC President Will Morrow and Fruit Punch is objectively the best Four Loko flavor.”
Here is a good picture of Kelly consoling the perpetually vexed ASUC President Will Morrow.
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: “They made me a celebrity!”
Danny Kelly can often be found in the lazy shade of a tree strumming the banjo, which we all know was voted People 2016 most sexy instrument. If you’ve furiously checked for Kelly under all the trees of Berkeley, try the Clark Kerr track and perhaps you will be fortunate enough to play spectator to one of Kelly’s famous Beer Miles. And if he’s not there, perhaps try some playful home invasion, where you will most definitely find Kelly pissing off his roommate.
- The Laws of Physics do not apply to Danny Kelly.
- He has won first place in the Arching Your Eyebrow contest at the Berkeley County Fair for three consecutive years.
- He was, at some point in his life, vegan.
Here is a good picture of Kelly being possessed by school spirit.
This one’s for all of you who’ve been duct taped inside a porta-potty: