Ever since Bernie Sanders was first thrown into the public eye during the 2016 presidential election (and even earlier for those more woke students, members of ANTIFA, multi-millionaire hippies living in the Berkeley Hills, and Robert Reich (probably)), Cal students everywhere were questioning if a capitalist system was truly the best fit for proper wealth distribution. UC Berkeley has, for some time now, been touted as a liberal hub known for being “a haven for communist sympathizers, protesters, and sexual deviants,” a place where “freedom of speech is met with violence and hate, not deserving of FEDERAL FUNDS?,” and the location where free speech was laid to rest.
However, Republican lawmakers and Berkeley College Republicans alike may at long last breath a sigh of relief; after all these years, a select group of students has made the startling discovery that communism doesn’t, in fact, “work.” Surprisingly, it actually leads to massive famine, human rights violations, and mass murder!! This discovery was made following the conclusion of PS 141C: Politics and Government in Eastern Europe.
“I went into this class super excited to be reaffirmed by everything I already knew,” said junior political science major Becky Johnson. “Like, I got into Berkeley. So you could say that I already know a thing or two about how the American capitalist machine perpetuates an endless ruthless cycle of the rich getting richer and the poor becoming poorer. It’s all about greed; we just want to make money and drive around in our flashy cars with our much younger significant others. I just loved the sound of a communist system; like one where we’re all equals,” she continued, taking off her Prada sunglasses.
But alas, much to Becky’s chagrin, she came to learn just how flawed the communist system could be.
“I just like, didn’t realize all the things that people miss out on when they live in a communist state!” continued Johnson. “Who’d have thought that the act of giving up everything you owned and created would lead to the removal of individual choice and creativity? Who’d have thought that forcing people to work jobs for which they were overqualified or ill-suited for would result in a lack of motivation and dedication? I just can’t believe that the leaders of communist regimes don’t truly distribute wealth in the fairest way possible, and instead keep the vast majority of it for a few select elites.”
Of course, it’s going to take more than a single class on communism for students to truly accept, once and for all, that maybe Karl Marx may have had some flaws in his thinking. After all, not everyone in CZ can afford to just go out and buy a new poster to replace the one of Marx and Stalin riding off into the sunset together.
“You know, even though the professor made some really compelling arguments, I don’t think I’m quite ready to give up on communism,” said Johnson, as she climbed into the front seat of her 2018 Range Rover. “I mean, Putin did get the majority of votes in the last Russian elections; you can’t deny that. It’s not like he could just make that up! And China is starting to pass the US economically. Marx my words, we could see a successful communist state yet!”
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