A UCPD cop made headlines this past Saturday following yet another heroic arrest, saving the Berkeley student population from one of its biggest threats: hot dog vendors. Each year at the beginning of September the Cal campus sees a massive influx in these pesky street sellers, who prey on the innocent wallets of Game Dayers passing by. Luckily for the city of Berkeley, one UCPD cop is out to make a difference.
“You know, I’m just doing what any good, law-abiding citizen would do in this case,” said UCPD cop Sean Aranas. “It just really breaks my heart to think that there are people like this hot dog vendor out there, trying to sell hot dogs. To HUNGRY STUDENTS. Especially without a permit. I mean—this is America. Not some lawless nation. Without permits for people selling hot dogs, what would separate us from our cavemen ancestors?”
Aranas, who was recently promoted from parking enforcement officer to bicycle cop, proved that he was truly worthy of his new position—and especially of the $100,000 salary that accompanies it.
“I’m really not in it for the money at all,” said Aranas, as he stuffed the money from the vendor’s sales into his own wallet. “I just really love my job. I’m so proud to wear this badge. I’m so proud of this bike and the saddlebags that come with it. I love keeping the students safe. It’s what I’m here to do,” continued Aranas, as yet another emergency vehicle passed by, presumably on its way to pick up some freshman who needed to be transported.
The UCPD, for its part, is making sure to take the time to commend Aranas for his truly gallant act.
“Mmmmmmmmmmm,” said the chief of the UCPD in a written statement, praising Aranas from his unwavering commitment to the law.
“I’m just really glad we had each other, and our helmets for protection,” said Aranas partner, Cindy Cho. “I mean— hot dogs are long and can be held in one hand. You know what else is long and can be held in one hand? A gun. You can just really never be too careful in these kinds of cases.”
Overall, the city of Berkeley is rejoicing this latest victory. Moving forward, we can only hope that street vendors continue to acquire the proper permits and that more people can aspire to be like Sean Aranas.