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Bowles Hall to Complete Restoration by Returning to All Male Roots

Bowles Hall, also known as the Castle above Maxwell, has been a historic landmark on campus its founding in since 1928. Originally an all-male dorm for the elite, Bowles Hall hasn’t changed much. However, a restoration process began in 2015 to spice up the Hall, including the addition of females.

“We really thought it would be a good idea,” said Hall Dean Allen Kanich. “The amount of testosterone in Bowles Hall had begun to overflow the past few years and climaxed when we found an entire room of abused blowup dolls with one hundred dollar bills strewn everywhere.”

Bowles Hall, a democratic society, voted on enticing all the “Cool Stern Girls” (if there is such a thing) by marketing Bowles Hall as a kind and utopian society during the restoration period.

“They didn’t need to know about our past. Cocaine… strippers… O.J.’s black gloves… his murder weapon… Shit, this thing’s still on. Call Johnnie Cochran,” Kanich was caught saying while mic’d up in the bathroom.

However, the environment for the Bowlesmen seemed to change drastically throughout the restoration process.

“Things began to go south very quickly, and I’m not talking about the cleaning crew,” recalled Kanich. “All of a sudden, the remodeling process came to a complete standstill. The main concern amongst new residents was the color of the new wallpaper at Bowles Hall. The final toss-up was between dark white and light white, reflecting our defining features.”

Even the kitchen crew had a tough time adjusting to the change.

“I don’t know what Roquefort quiche is,” yapped Peter Martinez, a Bowles Hall chef. “I have girls come to me, they say ‘Where is my breakfast vegan latte with extra foam’ I look at them like, ‘I already have a wife, I don’t need eighty-seven more bossing me, PETER, around.’ But they keep coming to me, speaking of vegan salad, vegan clam chowder, vegan filet mignon, I don’t have the vegan. Enough.” Martinez went back into the kitchen to cool off.

Restoration is now almost complete and scheduled to end late December. As the final part of the restoration, Bowles Hall will return to an all-male dorm in the spring.

“It’s time to take Bowles Hall back to the glory days,” Kanich announced, “to the times before I got lectured for sitting in the lounge with my legs spread wide. To the times when I could stick my hand halfway down my pants without getting weird looks.”

For all the Bowlesmen the final decision was tough but necessary. Still, Bowles Hall is looking to the future as always and is very excited to celebrate the start of a new, and old era.

 

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