Cal Day: an event dedicated to celebrating Cal, engaging with prospective students, and binge drinking. Well mostly that last one, as The Black Sheep recorded the drunken advice and sentiments of belligerent Berkeley students regarding all things Cal. Here’s what we overheard:
The day began with the issuing of several coherent, useful statements that many students would second.
“Just get a fucking meal plan, man. Just do it. Even when you stop living in the dorms. Get. A. Meal. Plan.”
“Bear Walk is fucking useless but make some one walk you home. Berkeley at night is like an episode of The Walking Dead, homeless people will look, like, passed out on the side of the street and then just spring to fucking life.”
While perhaps slightly crass and at times insensitive advice, safe journeys home and means of feeding oneself certainly are a top priority.
But as substances were consumed, frats opened up to party, and high noon approached, things got more interesting.
An intense, impassioned man was more eloquent with his words, though sharp and ostensibly in a rush, as he showed around his little brother.
“Just don’t miss out. If there’s an opportunity, seize it. No one will hold your hand.” He then whispered an aside to The Black Sheep, “Low-key sampled a little bit of coke. Classic Cal Day. He doesn’t know I’m a little coked up– please don’t tell.”
Classic Cal Day! Berkeley students are so eager to excel in every category, even enthusiasm, cocaine induced or otherwise– but in this case, absolutely cocaine-induced. Let’s get that much straight.
A soft, KA man performed a rousing speech that truly made Cal Day a patriotic event, as he rambled, “Dude. Our forefathers didn’t do what they fucking did so we could do what we’re doing.”
No, it didn’t make sense… But didn’t it?
Two girls decked out in their Cal day attire struggled to command the obedience of their iPhones, as the first girl stared at her screen:
“I can’t focus my eyeballs,” she said, replying to our gentle inquiry as to potential advise for prospective students.
“Literally fuck autocorrect,” her friend retorted.
“I go to fucking Berkeley. I don’t need no autocorrect, bitches,” the first girl concluded.
Though their comments were not relevant to the Cal experience whatsoever, they were important on a larger scale; it is indeed a universal truth that autocorrect screws everyone over when they’re drunk.
Truly, as the day progressed, Cal students got straight to the point with their advice and drunken sentiments regarding being a student at Berkeley.
“Fuck bitches, get money. I can’t say it in better words.”
“I’m fucked up. Go Bears. Where the fuck is my Cal I.D.?”
“I just live my life. Dress code is being fucked up.”
Their eloquence was astounding.
While the shenanigans of Cal Day were thoroughly enjoyed and many a drunken student was enthused, the most crucial piece of information disclosed that day– indeed, its poignancy is astounding– was the following:
“Cal is a great place. It makes you live forever.”