Cal Professors Conspire with Weather to Make End of Semester as Shitty as Possible

author-pic at UC Berkeley  

Every fall semester, in the last week of school, the weather in Berkeley goes from 0 to freezing real fuckin’ quick. “It’s a real bummer,” third-year student Andrew Pejman told The Black Sheep. “I’m already stressed as it is with finals and studying, and then the weather has to go and be all cold and shitty.” While some believe that this is just a natural, seasonal phenomenon, there is something more sinister at play.

“California has a Mediterranean climate, which is characterized by hot, dry summers and cool, wet winters. Berkeley is no different, and we would expect the weather to get colder this time of year. However, despite this, the weather patterns that have been occurring here, particularly during the final weeks of the semester, are unlike anything we have ever seen before!” noted Ronald Amundson, who teaches in the College of Natural Resources. “There is something else at play here, and it is certainly not natural.”

Meteorologists have been speculating for months to understand what they are calling “Finals Week Frost,” but have not been able to pinpoint its exact cause. That was until they started looking outside of natural systems. “As crazy as it sounds, someone is controlling the weather around UC Berkeley,” concluded Amundson and his team Tuesday evening.

Many students have reported seeing members of the English department performing elaborate rain dances in Faculty Glade multiple mornings since mid-October. Others have allegedly seen Oski being offered up to the Aztec God Tlaloc to summon the frigid climate. Following these reports, UCPD teamed up with CNR to investigate a possible collaboration between the weather and UC professors. What they discovered was shocking.

“Turns out UC professors were using public funds to bribe a cold front by the name of Stormy Claude to come at the end of every semester, in order to make studying for finals even more of a battle,” explained UCPD Chief Margo Bennett. Hundreds of professors have been implicated in the case, including respected campus figures Jennifer Doudna and Robert Reich. After a high-speed chase, Claude has been convicted and is awaiting trial by the weather police, along with a growing list of professors.

“He put up a good fight, hopping on a southwest-bound current. He almost escaped into San Francisco, where the weather would be out of our jurisdiction,” recalled Bennett. “Luckily, the current stopped right at the Berkeley Marina, and we were able to apprehend Claude.”

“Look, I’m all about darkness and gloom, but these professor’s are on a whole ‘nother level. They feed off the students’ pain—draw life from it,” Claude said in a statement released yesterday. “My dream has always been to be a tropical hurricane, and if I had it my way, I would be as far away from UC Berkeley as possible. But just I couldn’t turn down the money, I’ve got three little clouds to feed!” noted the criminal nimbostratus. UCPD also cited “jealousy towards Claude’s arch-rival” as a motivating factor. The disgruntled cloud stating that it “always gets shit for doing its job; you don’t see anyone giving Summer Reyes grief for doing hers.”

“This is a good first step, but there are many malevolent maelstroms out there,” warned Bennett. “All we can do is hope for a day of good sunshine.” Regardless, students are rejoicing for the prospect of nice, warm weather again.

“To be honest, it’s not that cold out. In fact, it kind of reminds me of summer back home,” said James Wang, a junior who hails from Minnesota. “But if this gets all the in-state students to stop complaining that their “California Weather’ is gone, it’s cool with me.”

Yeah, we all have D.A.D.S., just maybe not the kind you were thinking of: