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Cal Students Regretful of Winter Romance


Over the holiday break, many accomplished Cal Berkeley students adopt a mild form of Stockholm syndrome to cope with the boredom and lack of crippling workloads. And running away to your high school ex’s house is a great way to avoid your religious Aunt Sheryl’s curiosity with the mythical gays that exist in Berkeley.


Jennifer Collins, 20, recalled the moment she reunited with her true love Brad, “He’s just SO hot. I saw him and just forgot why we even broke up. And I don’t think you’d understand, but we really have a connection. We grew up in the same town so we have sooo much in common. Do you know we both think the McDonald’s on Clarmont is the best one here?”


Collins looked lovingly at her former high school football star, now employed at their local Safeway, and notes, “He’s shooting for the NFL, and I really believe in him. I’ll be supporting my baby boo until he makes it. Until then I know we can make long distance work. We’re not like those other couples, we have something real.”


Cal students continue to fall deeper and deeper in love with their high school exes as they experience all winter break has to offer. Not only have they luckily reunited with their soul mates, but also having their True Love’s tongue down their throat is a great way to avoid the pressing topic of their current GPA from parents.


“I don’t have to tell my parents about that D+ in COMPSCI 61ABC if I’m just hanging out in Tim’s basement,” freshman Karen Wontworth noted.


The number of new couples hits an all-time high approaching January 1st in order to fill the gaping hole of loneliness for that one second at midnight with a sloppy, Smirnoff-flavored kiss. But, as students began to pack and return to the hellish reality that is UC Berkeley, the numbers rapidly began to drop.


Later, Wontworth noted, “Tim’s a great guy and all, but speaking of D-plusses, his dick game is, in a word, a failure. There are plenty of guys here at Cal who can get in there with that grade-A beef.”


Could this be a coincidence or a pattern?

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