Earlier this week, newly-appointed UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ was seen wandering the lush, green pastures of Memorial Glade to reportedly “get summa dat good good,” switching from rich, white, boujee cocaine to the more relatable cannabis. This, following her announcement to make the widely-anticipated Golden Bear tradition for 4/20, which includes eating your first edible and throwing up in front of the Taco Bell, a campus-wide holiday.
“I can’t believe our Chancellor is like, cool, you know?” Said local co-op student, Sarah Merjer, who was excited about the new change on campus. “It’s just so oppressive when I can’t smoke in lecture.” She continued while her entire co-op family snapped enthusiastically behind her in agreement.
Others were not quite as happy about the new change on campus, “The Devil’s LETTUCE? I thought this was a gated Christian community!” Said Sharon Waflour, appalled mother of 17, while pointing to the sad display of Christian clubs offering free food for a question about God.
Some were more apathetic about the change when approached by The Black Sheep. “Just take my flyer, I don’t want to talk to you.” Some kid named Jared said. Others, like Mary Gregory, a philosophy GSI responded, “Is that the marijuanas? I know all about the marijuanas. Oh, but I can’t tell you about them now. But, I can tell you more in my office hours from 2-3 a.m. because I love being accessible to my students.”
We tried asking other students, but they pushed in their earphones in a little tighter and walked a little faster.
The 11th Chancellor could be seen assuring students that she “ain’t no snitch,” and was actively on the prowl for some “good kush.” When met with confusion, she hastily threw up a peace sign she thought was a gang sign and ran for the hills. It should be noted that the new, “It Girl Chancellor” was sporting a pair of Huf socks under her usual white power suit.
Since her disappearance, many wonder if she will emerge after 3 days from the shallow grave of Chancellor Dirk’s career to make a public statement. It is uncertain if protesters will be sober enough to protest this controversy, as many will be slumped over some Gypsy’s in a bout of shame.
Meanwhile, seniors are anticipated to celebrate the newly declared holiday by moving on to heroin instead.