GPAs, resumes, and standardized test scores have long claimed to hold success in determining the success and fruitfulness of one’s future. However, the true marker of one’s character is not their intellectual output, but the particular model of their Hydro Flask reusable
political symbol and resume advertisement water bottle.
The Green Small Thermos:
Your name is Tiffaneeeee with 5 e’s (legally). You’re going to live in a master-planned suburb, and probably have the career of your dreams. The biggest adversity you’ve ever endured was getting the wrong color Black Audi on your seventeenth birthday. You hate your father to this day.
Just the Fucking Blue Lid:
Your name is Craig but you go by Kyle. You graduated with a 2.007 in Central California Studies. You think Fresno is in Arizona. Your mother stopped calling you in 2005. She won’t ring again.
BIIIIIIIG CYLINDER GUY:
You’re YUUUUGE-ly successful Haas School Of Business alum. You sent it in the library and in various unaffiliated courtyards! You’ll live in Manhattan Beach, have a completely privileged life, and have the same friends you did when you were 22, except now you can afford to fill the BIG CYLINDER BOY with nice beer instead of lukewarm Natty Light.
Normal Blue Cylinder Boy:
Mediocrity called, and your future answered the fucking line! You’re going to be totally content driving a silver Honda Accord, having 2.27 offspring whose gender is really up to them to determine, and will be content but never quite satisfied grilling steaks in your Portland backyard wondering if a 3.04 in PoliEcon deserved anything better than this middle-class complacency.
It truly seems that the various sizes and models of the popular Hydro Flask liquid transportation device brand can both accurately and alarmingly predict your future. No need to study for finals, your water carrying companion has your next steps figured out better than you ever will.
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