When Kamala Harris announced that she would be the commencement speaker for the Class of 2018, there was a general excitement surrounding her upcoming speech. However, clearly Berkeley and the UC system as a whole couldn’t let this class graduate without one last giant middle finger: Senator Harris has decided to pull out of this role, citing her support of the striking UC workers. Surely, this shouldn’t be too much of an issue; a prestigious institution could easily find a great speaker—even at such short notice—right?
Well, Cal was pleased to announce that this year’s commencement speaker would be none other than… Chancellor Carol T. Christ! It’s just like when the clown died on the way to your birthday party and your dumb mom had to step in and make poorly constructed animal balloons for everyone, even though Becky, the coolest girl in class, was going to be there…. Anyway, to help you celebrate/cope with this disappointment, we created a drinking game, bound to result in you missing your douchey Chez Panisse graduation dinner with your family. Grab the nearest bottle of Vitali and get ready for some good old-fashioned college fun (for the last time)!
10.) Shotgun a beer whenever the phrase “number on public university in the world” is uttered:
Make sure you have your rack of Keystone on hand, this one’s sure to be a common theme.
9.) Take a shot every time Christ alludes to “Free Speech Week” without explicitly mentioning it:
Unless you’re in BCR. Then take 5 shots and the nearest person’s wallet. Get it? Cause it cost us so much money?
8.) Take a sip whenever she mentions anything along the lines of the graduating class being our nation’s leaders:
As with any commencement speech ever, this is likely to be mentioned an ungodly number of times.
7.) Finish your drink whenever she disappoints you:
This shouldn’t be hard; just remember who should be speaking!
6.) Finish your drink whenever you disappoint yourself:
All you have to do is remember who you are as a person! Take a bonus shot if your roommate reminds you about their new job at Goldman Sachs or Apple while you think about the time that you’ll still be spending at home as you “take some time to prepare for the next chapter in your life.”
5 .) Take a shot every time she says “campus climate”:
Feeling woozy yet?
4.) Snort an entire line out of the anus of your grandfather whenever she says “political tensions”:
It’ll be a great, topical bonding experience for you and your conservative grandfather. Really great topic-changer for when he starts asking why there are “so many orientals” around here.
3.) Shotgun an entire Four Loko if she takes a selfie with the crowd:
Now, we aren’t SURE she’ll do this, but we’re pretty confident. And it’ll be something you’ll want to forget as quickly as possible.
2.) Take a sip every time the word “bear” is mentioned:
This includes in shitty puns. Go beers!
1.) Perform cuffs and fifths with the nearest stranger, taking a shot for each of the groups Christ neglects to mention:
Whether it be homeless students, students incredibly crippled by debt, or the very workers that caused the Chancellor to be the commencement speaker in the first place, you’re sure to have plenty of opportunity to drink!
Congratulations to the Class of 2018 for making it out of this hellhole alive!
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