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Former Chancellor Dirks Mass-Emails “u up?” to Entire Campus at 3 a.m.

The students and faculty of the University of California, Berkeley were greeted with a blast from the past on Saturday night when former chancellor Nicholas Dirks sent out a mass-email to the campus community at 3 in the morning, of which the subject line simply read “u up?”

Dirks, who announced his resignation from the chancellorship in 2016, appeared to express regrets on account of his past behavior, asking for a second chance from the campus community. “I know ur w someone else but I can’t stop thinking about u,” a line of the email reads, “we should meet up 😉 .”

Addressing the scandals surrounding his departure from the post, the former chancellor offered up a series of heartfelt apologies. “I was unavailable when we were together. I built walls, but now the fence is coming down,” the email continues. “I didn’t realize what I had. I decreased ur value just like I decreased my personal tax liability, and for that, I am truly sorry. That being said, I would love to smash up them guts like my administration smashed up the university’s credibility in dealing with sexual harassment allegations. lmao”

Former Chancellor Dirks further extended his sentiments, bookending his statements with iterations of the eggplant emoji. “I want to establish a new global research and exchange partnership if u catch my drift LOL,” Dirks proposed. “Give me another shot. I’ve been working out. But u already knew that haha. Ur the only university i’m talking to.”

The former chancellor also included a link to his SoundCloud, which primarily features EDM remixes of Radiohead songs. Dirks offered a brief explanation: “I just think we were really good together lol. Just please listen to these…I think they pretty much sum up how I feel about you.”

The 1,500-word email concluded with a simple statement from the previous chancellor. “I may have misappropriated public funds, but the only booty I ever cared about was yours.”

Incumbent Chancellor Carol T. Christ could not be reached for comment.

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