In an unexpected move this past week, the University of California, Berkeley has been forced to close the doors of its beloved college, the Haas School of Business. The school, known more for the reputation of its students as brown-nosing snakes than for the fact that it actually is one of the top business schools in the world, has seen a number of notable alumni pass through its doors, such as Barbara Desoer, Hirotaka Takeuchi, and Jordan Belfort, the song not the person. Ironically, this closure came just minutes following a $122 million dollar donation coughed up by a network of Haas alumni to go directly to the university’s clearly underfunded football team.
“Hisss hiss hissssss hisss hiss,” said Haas alum Snakey McSnake Snakerface, of the closing of his esteemed college.
“I mean, people OBVIOUSLY come to Berkeley for the football,” agreed Haas alum Tom Riddle. “Quality education? Inspiring professors? Who needs it?! I mean of course—I had all those things. But if the current students really were the businessmen they were meant to be they’d pick themselves up by the bootstraps and get the money themselves.”
Another Haas alum, Salazar Slytherin agreed: “We already have a great school; why not make it greater by making it possible for our team to actually beat USC or UCLA or Oregon or Washington or Stanford or literally anyone? We just need to get some of those athletes that really are solely concerned with what’s important—athletics.”
While most of the money went towards ensuring that the athletes could upgrade from their measly school-provided scooters to cars, there were some bigger changes made as well. For example Connie & Kevin Chou Hall, a Haas building which just opened its doors this school year, is now being shut down and remodeled into an exclusive gym for the elite footballers.
“Ya, you know, the athlete gym at memorial really wasn’t cutting it,” said junior running back Chad Chadstein. “Like, it’s fine I guess. But it doesn’t have levels, man! This building has like, at least three levels.”
When asked whether the team would be willing to relinquish some of their time in their current gym for the rest of Berkeley’s student population to alleviate such rules as the “one in, one out” policy at the RSF, the team seemed reluctant.
“What if something happens with the new gym and we can’t use it for a few hours? Then what? We’ll have to use equipment that literally everyone else has used? Is that even sanitary? That just doesn’t seem right to me,” said senior captain Chad Nietsdahc.
Of course, this displacement of Haas students has led to a massive increase in the number of applicants to Berkeley’s economics program.
“Yeah, I mean, I’m not concerned,” said junior and previous Haashole Brandon Von Weisy. “I managed to get some pretty good connections in my brief time here; I really attribute that to my excellent people skills. Plus I’m only really here until my startup takes off—according to my data that should really be any day now.”
Meanwhile, the original Haas building is being converted into freshmen housing for the football players.
“I came to college to go pro, not to be some businessman wearing some businessman monkey suit,” said Von Weisy. “I just really don’t see why I should have to integrate with the regular population at all.”
Rumor has it that soon there will be the construction of the Haas School of (mediocre) Football Players, so before too long Von Weisy, along with the rest of his team, may have his wish granted.