UCPD has reported a 690% spike in public indecency cases related to students fornicating on campus over the past month. UCPD suspects that this huge increase is due to seniors fulfilling their college bucket lists, which are comprised mostly of different UC landmarks and buildings they would like to have sex in before graduation.
A large portion of the Berkeley so-called “boning” has been focused on and around the Campanile, which is being commonly referred to as the “Cumpanile” by its hordes of undergraduate sex pilgrims. Another common place of activity is in Main Stacks, where many students have reported seeing their peers getting “some main sacks,” and in some cases, right on the tables where they are studying.
Concerned scholars should know that this pre-grad pre-cumming, so to speak, is occuring all over campus, and not just these places alone. Locations such as 155 Dwinelle, the bathroom in FSM, Strawberry Creek, on top of Pimentel, the Pappy statue, among others, all have had recent sexual activity on site. Additionally, this phenomena is not limited to the immediate campus, either. In fact, just over the past week, there have been 15 different cases of students giving and/or receiving the Big C at the Big C. Therefore, UC Berkeley encourages students to be on the lookout whenever they are on campus as hot collegiate coitus can occur anytime, anywhere.
Although school authorities are working overtime to prevent on-campus bacon-making, due to the sheer amount of reported cases, seeing students going to Poundtown will be inevitable in the coming weeks. Therefore, the school is now in Code Grey (all fifty shades of it). As such, we ask that the students adhere to the following policies:
1.) Don’t have sex on campus. Please.
2.) Pick up a poncho if you wish to avoid coming in contact with any love juices while you navigate campus. They are provided at the Tang Center free of charge.
3.) Follow the safe routes, and avoid the areas of high sex traffic found on the heat map below.
In addition to the above measures, Evans Hall has been designated as the campus safe-zone due to its absolutely unsexy and depressingly boring aesthetic which wards off any students wanting to get it on inside campus property.
Do your part to prevent any more students from being subjugated to these disgusting, and shameful acts of youthful, risk-taking hedonism. Now if you’ll excuse us, The Black Sheep has some bucket list items we need to attend to.