Berkeley College Republicans just experienced a major shakeup in leadership. BCR, unlike the Turks, successfully staged a coup, replacing Troy Worden with Bradley Devlin. The so-called mastermind behind this coup is Theo “H.W.” Levan, Bradley Devlin’s campaign manager.
“It was the ole’ shake n’ bake. I raise the coup, Bradley takes the win,” the freshman said with a Southern accent, “He has the same qualities as all great Republican presidents. He’s white, rich, Catholic, and knows his way through deals with Russia. He’s taken the best from the Trump and Cruz campaigns, and is the person Berkeley needs at times like these.”
The plans for the coup all started at the Alpha Tau Omega house.
“I could smell it in the air,” Levan said while making weird sniffing noises “through the scent of two dollar cigars and Mike’s Hard Lemonade, I smelt… a national championship. But, I checked and Berkeley football had dropped their third straight game to Oregon, so that wasn’t it. No. It was Bradley Devlin. That sexy man, with the odor of two grizzly bears fresh off fornicating, and the sex drive of John F. Kennedy, that was our national championship. I knew I could ride that man to the top.”
Bradley Devlin recalled the same event.
“Theo was high out of his mind. He grabbed my arm and said ‘You, you are the captain now!’”
Devlin, confused but intrigued, stayed to hear the rest of what Levan had to say.
“Theo said he was going to be my campaign manager and stage a coup so I could become president of BCR. The thing was, that ‘plan’ he devised had already happened the week before.”
Devlin denies that Levan is or ever was his campaign manager, nor that Levan had anything to do with his rise to power at BCR.
“I made Bradley the man… excuse me… the PRESIDENT he is today. If it wasn’t for me, Bradley would be nothing,” Levan proclaimed, “I am the modern-day Machiavelli! Bask in my greatness!”
Levan has already made plans for Bradley’s re-election. With rallies scheduled in the upcoming weeks at Berkeley College Democrat’s headquarters, next to the Socialist’s booth on Sproul Plaza, and the essential swing state: Berkeley High School.
“It’s all about getting the people riled up. In my books, it’s not the number of supporters you have to your name, it’s about the number of riots you have to your name. Just look at Milo Yiannopoulos. He is a great man, with great ideas, great morals, and is truly a great Republican.”
Levan maintains that a lot of his inspiration has come from the Trump Campaign. “I am Bradley’s Kellyanne Conway. I maintain a level head when dealing with reporters, and have the ability to think on my feet, but the press clearly respects me more than KC and her sunshine band” spouted Levan, going on to divulge his plans to burst onto the national stage for the next presidential election. “If Kanye picks me as his campaign manager,” Levine boasted, “He’ll win easy. Either that or I’ll plan a coup.”
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