The Judgmental Map of Orinda, CA

author-pic at UC Berkeley  

Situated to the east of Berkeley and Oakland, good ol’ Orinda is known for its extreme affluence and pretty-good public schools. Rated the second most friendly town in America by Forbes, this town is full of kind residents, cascading hillsides and rustic charm. Take a gander at the judgmental map of Orinda below to delve into the quaint world that is Orinda. God forbid anyone pulls out a leaf blower.

Sleepy Hollow:
Sleepy Hollow is a neighborhood that is marked by its residents: helicopter parents and trust fund babies. These kids have been swimming since they came out of the womb and the parents live to spoil the shit out of their children. The homes in Sleepy Hollow are by far the most expensive you’ll find in Orinda. Fuck, by the time you reach the Downs they’re not even homes. They’re estates. If you’re looking to live in this neighborhood, good luck finding a house that’s priced below $4 mill here. In sixth grade, it was the go-to spot for trick-or-treating because these bougie motherfuckers had candy bars up the wazoo.

Claremont:
In contrast to Sleepy Hollow Elementary, kids who live in the Claremont area and attended Wagner Ranch actually had moms who worked. This is certifiably the boondocks of Orinda. Being on the border of Tilden and Borinda, there’s hardly anything out here other than a couple houses and broken up roads. There’s the creek, the Sports Field, and the EBMUD Water Treatment Facility. Oh and the “swimming hole” that was featured on everyone’s Instagram during your sophomore & junior years of high school. Even though it was definitely, undoubtedly, very illegal to swim here.

Wilder:
For two decades, Orinda saw no new, affordable homes being developed. The solution? A luxury housing development where houses are $2 mill a pop! And seriously, middle-aged white people creamed in their pants when it first began construction in 2013. Four years later, and does anyone really live here? It’s just a bunch of empty estates that the Orinda police patrol to make sure unruly teenagers aren’t driving up there to hook up in their cars or sneak into the pool by the Quarry House. God, Quarry House. Even the name of the clubhouse at Wilder is pretentious.

Orindawoods:
Turkeys. That’s about it.

Del Rey/Miramonte :
Possibly the most Suburbia-looking part of Orinda, complete with countless one-story homes and cul de sacs. Also home to Lost Valley, which is just one long road with deer (also, does anyone really know what that electrical thing is at the end of the road?) This area’s residents consist mostly of young children who attend Del Rey Elementary, but also a great amount of racist mothers who adamantly post their “concerns” on Next Door. Sorry but no, Jeanine, that “suspicious-looking Hispanic male driving a pick-up with garden tools” is actually on his way to work, and not suspicious looking at all. Now go back to reading The Secret Garden.

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