After crushing on Lauren from Anthro for three weeks, freshman Jake Schwartz finally got the nerve to ask her to show up to a party at DX. He casually waited three days after obtaining her number to send a text, just to make it super freaking clear that he’s really chill and not desperate. On Saturday at 7, he typed out a fatal text. Images of the conversation are below, but viewer discretion is advised.
After 6 minutes of no response, Jake opened his phone to glance again at the text, hoping for a bubble to appear that indicated Lauren was typing what would obviously be a yes. Instead, Jake realized in horror what he had sent. His heart sank as he looked at the four letter word: not the beloved word “frat,” but the word “fart.”
“Instantly my mind spiraled,” Jake confessed. “I was, like, trying to find an excuse for how I had typed it so wrong,” continued Jake, who originally settled on lying and telling Lauren he had dyslexia, in order to both justify the typo and hopefully earn some general sympathy points.
“I was getting so stressed, because the longer and longer I went without correcting the text, the higher the chance there was that Lauren would respond and complicate the situation further.” Beads of sweat formed on Jake’s forehead as he tried to figure out how to proceed.
“I didn’t know if pretending to be dyslexic would be enough, so I thought I could do the same thing I always do when trying to justify my behavior: pretend that I was drunk and deny all culpability.”
Jake then sent a second text about 8 minutes after the first to rectify the situation. “I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to smash now,” Jake thought to himself after writing an eloquent follow up.
When asked if Lauren ever responded, or if she ever showed up, Jake declined to comment. We also inquired what it was like to see her in section following the debacle, to which Jake replied, “Lol, who goes to class?”
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