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Lonely Senior Joins Club in Last Attempt to Make College Memories

Look around: summer air, joyous prospective students looking to become Golden Bears, and blue skies. You know what that means, the lovely pavement of Sproul is again littered with flyers. Once a season, hundreds of clubs come out of hibernation for their great migration to recruit a new army, a great opportunity for that lonely senior you know to finally get “the college experience.”

“Yeah, I’m just a little nervous. The last time I made a friend was freshman year when I met my roommate,” chuckled Franny Fonda, transparently pale from the time spent locked away in the high towers of Unit 3. “So, I’ve decided to join Rally Comm, I’ve heard the people are really chill.”

“Being deployed so long, you forget the little things, like how to have fun,” lamented another senior, who recently finished his fourth tour in Call of Duty. “Maybe, there’s a Call of Duty club or something like that?”

Another senior remarks, “I don’t know, I was so focused on getting a 3.3 I forgot that I could have also been making real human connections,” as they hold the Dakimakura pillow they brought to make the rounds.

While these seniors were excited to start actually making friends in college, the clubs weren’t so excited.

“You honestly think we’re going to accept a senior?” chuckled Bob Epstein from Berkeley Consulting. “Wait, are we even going to accept anyone? Nope.”

If you look closely, you can see these lonely seniors nervously make their way around all the tents in the waning phase of the new moon. They only blossom twice a year, so make sure you’re on the lookout! If you see one, make yourself as big as possible. The important thing is to not panic. Gently hand them a flyer to your consulting group and give then slowly back away.

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