Newly Initiated Cal Pledges Already Super Excited to Haze Future Pledges

author-pic at UC Berkeley  

With the semester officially coming to a close,  local fraternities have changed. After a week of ceremonies, manual labor, and arbitrary hazing for the sake of “brotherhood,” pledges have officially become brothers. With all of the hard work behind them, all newly-initiated brothers are abuzz about what their future at the fraternity holds.

“Dude I’m so excited it’s over!” said pre-Haas student Gavin Griffin, “I mean, there’s so much we get to do now. Like, we get to participate in special brotherhood events, host dope parties, and subject new pledges to domestic torture! I already have so many ideas for those new pledges. It’s gonna be so fun!”

Although these young men were all recently subjected to horrible pledging themselves, nearly all expressed great interest in “hazing the fuck out of” their future members. Many saw great potential in dressing them in animal costumes and making them drink Vitali until they threw up, while others expressed interest in branding their new members with their letters. Some even considered subtle psychological torture that will turn them into a Sperry-wearing vessel for crippling self doubt. 

“I mean like I know it’s not a perfect system, but I’m just so excited to have pledges.” Said pre-Haas student Carter Zach. “Like, bringing new guys into our brotherhood will be so magical, you know, especially the part where we have unchecked power over people which will perpetuate the caustic cycle of masculinity.”

These pledges seemed excited to subject impressionable younger members to acts deemed torture in many other places, especially to young men trying to find their bearing in a large new school. Meanwhile, at some lower-tier fraternities, new brothers have taken a noticeably less hazy approach to their future at the organization. Fucking pussies.