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Nixle Police Warnings Change Format in “Project SHRUG”

For years, UCPD has provided the racially specific yet relatively inconclusive police reports thanks to the automated Nixle app. Excellent for clogging your inbox like a Midwestern artery letting you know that yup, there was another armed robbery and nope, they didn’t catch the suspect. Nixle and UCPD have completely revolutionized the process with their latest update.

Dubbed “Project SHRUG,” the latest update seeks to streamline the police report jargon by replacing all pertinent information with a GIF of police officers collectively shrugging when the perpetrator of the crime has not yet been caught.

“We felt like this would cut a lot of the fluff out of our reports, and make the material easier to understand,” expressed a UCPD chief. “If we haven’t caught the criminal, might as well send a GIF of us shrugging. Edgy teens love GIFs.”

The general campus community has reacted with overwhelming positivity to Project SHRUG, because it replaces racially generic profiles of anonymous criminals driving cars and wearing dark clothes with something funky and upbeat.

“I think it’s a lot easier to understand that the suspect is still at large when I receive a GIF of confused police officers,” said Casserole Sarah, a rising junior. “It’s a lot easier for me to comprehend than actual words and details!”

Project SHRUG will be a quick and effective way to increase transparency. Now, UCPD can focus on bigger and better things, like preventing solid objects from shattering the glass of the Amazon store and making sure Milo Yiannopeopeoeples never comes to campus again.

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