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An Obituary For the Berkeley Class of 2017

Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galacticans, we are gathered here today to say farewells to the University of California, Berkeley Class of 2017.


The time of graduation was during the part of the day with the sun on May 13th, 2017. The exact cause of graduation was unknown, but nevertheless, we are certain that they only plan to come back for Cal Day next year after failing to get employed.


However, it’s important to acknowledge the losses and traumas the current seniors endured as they matriculated through our cherished university.


The class of 2017 has seen campus dining change for the worse, as the UC decided to actually attempt to combat how really overweight  thicc af America’s youth were getting by discontinuing the Golden Bear Café’s fried chicken strips in 2015. As well as deciding that Late Night™ dining hall services were not needed on the weekends, seeing as everyone was probably just going to Remy’s.

Additionally, our seniors endured the embarrassing fucking downfall of campus rankings, as Cal absolutely plummeted from “Number One Public University!!!!!®©™” to like, number three or something.


Most tragically, Cal seniors singlehandedly felt the crushing weight of the riot heard ‘round the world as free speech was pronounced dead. This followed a speech scheduled by world famous racist, homophobic (but also like, actually gay) monitor lizard Milo Yiannnananannanana.


In loving memory of the Class of 2017, we all sincerely hope you’re up there enjoying the finest things in life, such as showering without shoes on and not swiping anything except a credit card for meal purchases.


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