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Student Blacks Out, Forced to Relearn that Trump is President


On the morning of November 9th, Berkeley students everywhere shuddered as they woke up and recalled this somber fact: Donald Trump is President of the United States. Except for a one Henry Herbert, Junior, Political Science major, who became so belligerently drunk that he blacked out. And on this fateful morning, had to rediscover the most astounding fact: Donald Trump did in fact get elected.


“I woke around 7:48 am desperate for water and with an extreme pounding in my head.” Herbert began as he chugged water while he sat on the toilet, “Then a most unfortunate realization dawned on me. I couldn’t remember how I got home or if I drunk texted Tricia, and what’s more, I couldn’t remember who won the presidency.”


“The last thing I does remembered was when Trump took Ohio- sweet, treacherous Ohio-” Henry recalled. “And yeah, a candidate hasn’t won Ohio without winning the presidency since before Nixon, but there’s no way. Right? Right… There’s no way…” 


There is a way, and Herbert had to hear about it second hand.


“At first he thought it was one, big, sick, incredibly well-organized practical joke.” Henry’s friend Jonathan explained.


“Hahah, okay guys, very funny very funny,” he chortled as a friend broke down crying in class. “But seriously, cut it out!”


“We’re serious.” Jonathan solemnly stated. 


“My God, why have you forsaken me?” Herbert screamed as he sprinted up and down Telegraph Avenue verbally assaulting students. 


“As I walked home, the Canadian Immigrant website got back up and running and the DOW inched back up from its playful plunge to 800 points down.” Henry finished recalling as he climbed back into bed.





If binge drinking is a major problem, then why does cheap beer come in packs of 30?:

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