ASUC Calls for its Own Government Shutdown After Senators Go On School Funded Power Trip
Following the recent ASUC wins for many newly elected officials, this week’s political agenda took a turn for the worst. After a team-building retreat to Sproul Plaza, many executives realized that absolutely no one cares after the election.
“Wait, I’m not in everyone’s profile picture anymore. What am I supposed to do?” Newly elected ASUC Vice-President or something, Rigel Robinson commented. “Without flyering and heavy posters of my face to constantly heave around, I don’t have a purpose.”
As a quick response, the senators quickly seized the day and took a dive into their vast egos, using their campaign promises to break the fall. Deciding their loss of motivation could only be cured by one thing: a shutdown.
“If I’m not the center of attention every second of the day… what’s the point?” Josh Wilson, new ASUC Senator, explained. “We’re shutting this poorly-run student government organization down!”
Following in the footsteps of President Trump, The ASUC took the only path they knew to calm the minds of their peasant underlings by posting a lot of pointless stuff to Facebook. Reassuring that the shutdown will be entirely healthy, as “Our country needs a good ‘shutdown!’, and that if they postpone this one, they’ll just have one later.”
On the other hand, students of Cal can rest easy now that they will only be the victims of a capella group flyering. “Our show is this Friday, you should really come, it’s only $5 at the door!” Annoying flyering kid on Sproul told The Black Sheep.
Fortunately, this still results in the same amount of legislation passed, so the climate of UC Berkeley will not have been disturbed. Chancellor Dirks released a statement to the campus to ease students’ worries:
“If you are curious about how this government shutdown will apply to you, rest easy in that it doesn’t. No one cares about you. L&S doesn’t care. You can file a complaint to the ASUC by taking a shit in the old fountain on Sproul, or emailing the nearest Nigerian Prince.”