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Turf War Rages over Wall of DKE After IHouse Opens Full-Time Smoking Club

This week Berkeley saw the grand opening of its latest attraction: the exclusive International House smoking club. While there aren’t any reports of a flashy opening—no ribbon cutting, no balloons, no visit by the mayor—students were quick to take notice of the sudden appearance of several plastic chairs edging the line of the DKE’s parking lot.

IHouse residents are clearly thrilled by the opening of this smoking club, located conveniently across the street from their dorm, just out of those pesky smoking restrictions Berkeley residence halls have for the “health and safety” of their inhabitants. “It’s so nice to have somewhere I feel so safe and comfortable near my dorm,” said junior IHouse resident Lily Cho. “I’ve never felt that way on Piedmont before!”

However, there is one group of students that is less than thrilled with the apparatus of this club: the brothers of Delta Kappa Epsilon. Despite the brother’s and the IHouse residents’ shared interest of the “occasional” social cigarette or moke, the two groups have proven unable to find common ground here.

According to members of the fraternity, the IHouse issue has been an ongoing problem for them.  “At first it was totally chill,” said risk manager Thad White. “Everyone needs a good stog now and then, no problem with that. But what started as a group of like three French guys wearing berets and sharing a casual cig has grown into something much more ominous. Like, the other day I couldn’t even concentrate on my beer die game over the constant chattering of ‘oui oui baguette’.  Fuck with me, fine. Fuck with my house, whatever. But fuck with my beer die game, and we have a problem. We have our tournament coming up, bro. I need to practice.”

The brothers have made various efforts to displace the smokers, though none have proved successful.

“For a while, the IHouse fucks took to sitting on our wall,” said sophomore Kris Stevens. “Half of them were just chillin’ there doing homework. Homework. On our wall. We tried putting up fishing lines—you know like people do for birds—so they couldn’t sit down. Turns out a lot of IHouse students have access to scissors and appear to be smarter than the average bird, so those were quickly cut. So then for a while me and some of the bros would just whip it out and pee on the wall right under where they were sitting. Full eye contact and everything. But that didn’t do anything. Finally, we wrote to Trump; we figured, like, he’s good at keeping immigrants out, right? Currently, he’s got some money for us pending so we can build a bigger wall, so that’s pretty lit.”

Despite the constant turf battles, the smoking club appears undeterred.

“We’ve already had great success with it [the smoking club] already,” said club owner Fernando Pérez. “People are really into the whole ‘Corner of Darkness’ theme. It adds a really nice element of danger. The only real issue thus far has been these flimsy plastic chairs; but don’t worry, we’ve got some really nice leather ones coming in from Carnegie Larkin any day now.”

While no legal action has yet been taken, there is sure to be an enormously expensive legal battle brought to you by daddy’s money™ any day now.

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