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Thousands of FPF students accept bids to Berkeley Lite

A cacophony of muffled groans was heard throughout the UC Berkeley-owned property on 2515 Hillegass as the annual Fall Program for Fucking Incompetence freshmen bid day took course.


“I just can’t fathom why I didn’t get into a better house on main campus, like Dwinelle or Barrows. Instead, I have to take all my classes in this creepy church building across from People’s Park” sighed Visser Chad, a FPF student who wished he had made it into a real house.

FPF program director Haley Smith expressed that despite the underwhelming, culturally-isolating, and academically-limiting nature of FPF, it was still a goddamn top house and the waitlisted weenies fall pledge class should be proud to be a part of the FPF community.


“So what if the kids can only take breadth courses and no STEM or language classes are offered? Our house consists of the top applicants that would have gone to like, UC Santa Barbara or some place that would have offered them a real freshman fall experience,” Smith elaborated.


Bid day ceremonies included a “wait list anxiety re-enactment” where kids were forced to watch a twelve-hour montage of kids accepted to main campus houses open their bids, while they got to wait in anticipation until hours later.


“It was really stressful having to watch all the other kids open their bids and celebrate getting into a top Berkeley house like VLSB while we had to wait for 12 hours to find out if we even got into any house at all,” confessed Bag Da Sawr Henry. “I guess it makes you appreciate getting a bid to FPF, even it is limiting. I mean, at least I’m better than the UCSB kids. Right, mom? RIGHT?”


Many in the Berkeley administration are thrilled that the FPF pledge class understands how lucky they are to even have gotten a bid to Berkeley in the first plac

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