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The Top 5 Emails from Chancellor Carol T. Christ

The best part of any Berkeley student’s day is waking up to a brand new e-mail from Chancellor Carol T. Christ. Both in times of calamity and in times of success, Chancellor Christ can always be trusted to comfort and heal the campus community with her words of courage and support. Here are the top five emails from Chancellor Christ so far.

5.) The One Where She Urges Members of the Campus Community to Uphold the Principles of Free Speech, But The Email is Clearly Sponsored By Toyota:

“In an era of political division, we greatly need reasoned discourse, yet too often we hear inflammatory language, and see violence as a response. These weighty issues present formidable challenges for Berkeley and its community, but we must face them with speed and efficiency, much like the all-new 2018 Toyota Camry XSE, which features a 2.5 liter Dynamic Force 4-cylinder engine, not to mention a sleek dual exhaust with quad chrome tips. UC Berkeley. Let’s go places.”

Always a beacon of light in a time of political crisis, Chancellor Christ offered words of courage to the Berkeley community during “Free Speech Week”, urging students and faculty to uphold the principles of free speech.

4.) The One Where She Demands That the Church of Scientology Disclose the Location of Shelly Miscavige:

“Shelly Miscavige has not been seen in public since August of 2007. We cannot allow the Church of Scientology to bully its dissidents into silence and forceful subservience. David Miscavige is a fucking psychopath. You guys should read about what goes on at those Rehabilitation Project Force programs. They make people scrub bathrooms with their tongues. It’s fucking sick.”

It’s a widely known fact that Carol Christ stands up for her principles, but Cal students aren’t likely to forget the late night e-mail where Chancellor Christ slammed Scientology leader David Miscavige and demanded that the Church of Scientology reveal the location of Shelly Miscavige.

3.) The One That Was Just a Review of The Big Short:

“The Big Short poses as much of an insurrection to the conventions of its medium as its subjects do to the complex machinations of Wall Street. The intermittent breakings of the fourth wall provide much-needed colloquialisms of convoluted financial practices and, in doing so, make us feel as if we are privy to some dirty secret. And Steve Carell is, simply put, a revelation.”

It’s no secret Carol T. Christ is a cultured woman of refined taste and quick wit, but Berkeley students were nonetheless taken back when she sent out what appeared to be a campus-wide email which lauded The Big Short for the sharpness of its writing and the dynamic performances of its cast.

2.) The One Where She Apologizes for Her Behavior at Taco Bell:

“There comes a time in every person’s life that one must step back and consider their contribution to society. Due to my recent conduct at the Taco Bell Cantina on Durant Avenue, this is a consideration I must take for myself. I deeply apologize to the Berkeley community for any pain I may have caused, and will be taking a few days to reflect on my actions in the company of my family.”

In a particularly vague email a few weeks ago, Chancellor Christ offered a sincere apology for her behavior at the Taco Bell on Durant, intriguing students. Allegedly, Chancellor Christ had asked the cashier what he would recommend from the menu, and when he replied “Cheesy Gordita”, she reportedly flew into a rage, mistaking the suggestion as an insult.

1.) The One Where She Admits That She Thought “Milo Yiannopoulos” Was A Type of Yogurt:

“While it is rather embarrassing to admit, I must confess that, up until the events of Free Speech Week, I was under the impression that the conservative commentator Milo Yiannopoulos was in fact a brand of Greek yogurt, in the same vein perhaps as Fage Yogurt, or Dannon Oikos, a few delicious treats which I have been known to enjoy from time to time. I will say that the events of February 1st 2017 do make more sense now in this new light.”

We all make mistakes, and clearly Chancellor Christ is no different. In a memorable email, Chancellor Christ somewhat belatedly admitted that she had believed that “Milo Yiannopoulos” was a brand of yogurt.

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