In direct response to last year’s student protests, including a sit-in in California Hall, UC administration has installed a $9,000 emergency trap door in Chancellor Dirks’s office in order to provide a safe escape route for the UC dignitary in the event that future protests get out of hand. While this may seem like an extreme measure to counter peaceful and nonviolent protests, it is just the first of many similar steps UC officials are taking to protect the C.O.T.U.S. (Chancellor Of The UC School).
“He’s our most valuable asset,” Chancellor Dirks said, referring to himself in the 3rd person, “and he’s always, you know…had a thing for mystery.”
Additional measures include an Air Force-approved seat ejection system installed in all of Dirks’ office chairs. In the event protesting students make it through the first line of defenses, which includes an alligator-infested moat and a two mile long minefield, and into Dirks’ office, the chancellor can shoot through an opening in the roof and parachute slowly to safety, all at the touch of a button.
Other emergency escape installations include fully trained Ex-KGB bodyguards, a squad of twenty body doubles (referred to as “Dirks’s Doppelgangers”), and an unfinished teleportation system that, once completed, could beam the UC Chancellor to a secret underground bunker in [LOCATION REDACTED].
Not surprisingly, this decision has spurred much criticism from the student community, many stating that these measures are a waste of the college’s already-tight budget and only further isolate the administration from the student body.
“It’s hard to argue that this isn’t the case when you see construction workers installing military-grade motion-sensor laser turrets outside Dirks’ office,” said concerned sophomore Steve Larson. He continued, “I thought our budget would go towards something useful, like more nap pods, but this—this just seems ridiculous.”
In response to these concerns, UC officials issued a statement citing Dirks’ new hobby as amateur magician the cause for the new trap door as well as the other expensive additions, assuring that there is no cause for alarm or uproar:
“Recently, Chancellor Dirks has become fascinated with escape artistry after watching Now You See Me 2, and began thoroughly researching the work of celebrity magicians like Harry Houdini and David Blaine. One of the common trade techniques in stage magicianship the usage of trap doors for escape tricks, so as you can see there is nothing for the students to worry about,” reads the statement. “As for the missile defense system, the super-soldier attack dogs, and the extra lock on the office door—we want to take every necessary measure to ensure the chancellor, as well as his award winning lip and eyebrow mustache, are safe from any possible threats, both real and imaginary.”
Regardless of the reasons, UC Berkeley students can rest assured knowing that even in this “state of budgetary crisis,” their tens of thousands of dollars in tuition payments are being put to good use.