Students and faculty of the University of California, Berkeley were met with a bittersweet revelation on Monday night when it was revealed that the giant Tyrannosaurus rex fossil exhibit, which rests in the atrium of the Valley Life Sciences Building, not only comes to life at night, but is unfortunately very racist when it does.
The campus community was immediately torn between intense feelings of simultaneous wonderment and alarm. Sophomore Lauren Durne, 19, was among those deeply-affected by the news. “One second it’s like, ‘Amazing, this ancient Egyptian curse enchants the VLSB T-rex so that it can, like, walk around and speak English and whatever, but you can’t even enjoy it because it won’t shut up about how multiculturalism and miscegenation is systematically oppressing white culture and allowing the impure races to destroy American values.’ Like, why do we even have to bring politics into it?”
The Tyrannosaurus rex model, who is lovingly referred to as “Osborn” by students and faculty, reportedly undergoes spontaneous animation once the doors lock at night, a time it uses to frolic around the comparatively narrow corridors of the Valley Life Science Building, which would be really cool if it didn’t use its 4-foot-long jaw to go on about how “it’s fine, I can say it, I have a lot of black friends.”
To get some answers on how the theropod sprang to life and why it was immediately endorsed by the KKK, The Black Sheep reached out to renowned chaos theorist and local professor of mathematics, Dr. Jeffrey Geldblam. “It’s all about unpredictability in complex systems,” Dr. Geldblam elaborated. “A butterfly flaps its wings in Beijing, and in Berkeley, a T-rex is running around blaming Mexicans and Muslims for the national debt.”
Though the revelation that the VLSB T-rex comes to life at night was met with some initial safety concerns, campus administrators appear confident that the dinosaur does not appear a credible threat of violence. According to Osborn, “I would never use my sharp, serrated, six-inch teeth to harm a human being. All lives matter.”
Pressed for detail on whether it would ever consider a political future, Osborn remained vague. “It’s not really on the books for me right now. But who knows? The senate could always use a few more ancient predators.”
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