If you’ve noticed increased feelings of hopelessness, sudden random tear production or an inexplicable desire to consume caffeine for 75 hours, you may be approaching finals week. Don’t panic, everything will be okay, unless this is your first week attending lecture. If that’s the case, then yikes you are screwed. As the time draws closer to hit the library with a large 911 from Dutch Bros and 10 weeks worth of forgotten material, you may fall into one of the 5 categories of students preparing for finals week. Not sure which kind of sleep deprived, procrastinating student you are? Stay calm, The Black Sheep is here to help.
5.) The Overachiever:
That kid who sets the curve for the whole class and the kid who always sits in the front row to earn all of the participation points. The overachiever is the average students’ biggest nuisance and biggest influence all at once. They’ve attended every lecture, taken amazing notes for every lecture, and pretty much lived in the professor’s office hours. Is it because they were sucking dick for a better grade? Who knows but however they do it, the overachiever is bound to get the highest grade. You can find the overachiever in the library even when it’s not week 10, nestled into a personal desk in the silent study zone away from the distraction and non-dedication of the plebs in the main reading room.
Studies have shown that being the overachiever also correlates with not having a social life, so leaving the library is generally unnecessary. If you have aligned yourself with the role of the overachiever congratu-fucking-lations, you make school so much more difficult for the rest of us.
4.) The Tweaker:
There’s a good reason why parents are concerned with the impact of stimulants on the average college student, and it’s because of the tweaker. Most college students have heard of the miracle drug Adderall and many have probably taken it at least once, but only the tweaker knows the exact dosage that will ace 3 midterms and an essay. Most tweakers are not regularly prescribed Adderall or Ritalin or any other “study drug,” but instead choose to find the kid with severe ADHD and pay him $20 for a pill.
Not all tweakers choose Adderall as their drug of choice, and the coffee-addict fits perfectly well into the category of tweakers. If you don’t think caffeine is a drug, you are a coffee tweaker and need at least 500 Venti cold brews to make it through finals week. You may find the tweaker in the 24-hour room of the library, staying awake at ungodly hours of the night, not stopping for a snack and maybe not even blinking. If you think you might be a tweaker when studying for finals week, you may want to lay off the pills a bit and remember what it feels like to get a good night’s sleep.
3.) The Procrastinator:
Wait finals week is next week?! If you often think this yet do not get off the couch to study, you are probably the procrastinator. Making up the vast majority of the student population, the procrastinator went to almost every class, but hasn’t exactly put in an “A” worthy effort this quarter. Every assignment was turned in 5 minutes before the deadline, but the quality doesn’t necessarily reflect the all-nighter that was required to finish it. Procrastinators are great, but not until they absolutely have to be. The procrastinator doesn’t spend much time at the library studying unless it’s week 10, but when it is the day before their final you can find them uncomfortably cramped into the main reading room with every other procrastinating student, fairly unprepared with study material, but hey they have a laptop and are finally starting to study.
2.) The Athlete:
The smallest category of students but arguably the best because these are the ballers. Why would athletes need their own category for studying when they already get special treatment for pretty much fucking everything? Because athletes have a very unique process for studying, and this process is called winning a championship title. The athlete is a unique type of student that is better equipped to use their biceps rather than their brain, but probably gets better grades than you because the midterm you failed was excused for them to beat Sac State.
A lot of people will criticize athletes for not putting school first and taking easy classes, but it’s okay athletes, those people also pay $500 for season tickets to watch you throw a ball and say fuck school. So you may not find the athlete hitting the books in the library this finals week, but you will find them slamming buckets and kicking ass in the NCAA Tournament.
1.) The Sleeper:
If you just woke up and remember your midterm started two hours ago, then you belong in the most unfortunate category of students. Sleepers are students who may or may not have been prepared for finals, but it doesn’t matter because they just slept through it. It may sound crazy, but there are plenty of students that actually do sleep through their final(s). Whether it’s because they forgot to set an alarm or they just really don’t fucking care, sleepers are the unicorns of students.
Let’s just pray that we make it through finals week to see the glory of spring quarter.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: